Uncovering stories that control my life

I was having a hard time deciding whether to go with Eric on an orienteering adventure to the Anza Borrego Desert. This was an adventure we'd done several times before. We initially met at an orienteering adventure (though not at the A-B Desert). Eric loves orienteering; I like it a lot. And I love the desert.

Eric loves for me and/or Zarina to go on orienteering trips with him. He feels disappointed when we choose not to. However, once he is at the event, he is always happy and is never stuck pining away for us. When either or both of us choose to go on an orienteering adventure with Eric, we generally enjoy the orienteering, but are almost invariably frustrated by the logistical challenges of traveling with Eric. We find his driving overly aggressive, and he is habitually late.

The decision about whether to go to Anza Borrego felt very fraught. And this was a very familiar feeling to me; it comes up whenever I try to decide to do anything together with Eric, my partner of 18 years. There is an underlying story that if I choose not to go with Eric, thereby disappointing him, there will be dire consequences of some kind. This story really clouds my decision-making and takes the joy out of it.

Today I was on the phone with Eric and Zarina, talking about this, and together we decided to do an impromptu co-counseling session where they would give me space to go deeply into this story. And I did so. I went much more deeply into it than I ever had before.

I actually found three stories operating:

1. My younger brother Paul, as a young child, is struggling in life. He is unhappy and he doesn't know how to make himself happy. He acts out a lot. I desperately want to make him happy. I keep trying but I don't know what to do. I feel so, so sorry for him. I feel deeply sad, and angry. Why is he so unhappy? It's not fair! Why am I doing OK, and he isn't? Why is he struggling? I just hate that he is struggling so much and I am so, so sad that I cannot reach him! (This story actually happened. Paul struggled off and on throughout life, and eventually committed suicide, at age 40.)
2. I am trying to hold onto somebody very dear to me. I have to do and say enough of the right things to keep them near to me. If I don't do enough of these things, they will float away, just like an untethered spacewalking astronaut. Once untethered, they will float away irretrievably, and no matter how desperately I call after them, no matter how hard I try to reach out to them and pull them back, they are gone, disappearing as I watch.
3. I have a fantasy from childhood that my parents, my two brothers, and I are walking happily across a grassy field, hand in hand. We are wearing gauzy clothing and we are completely content. There is no conflict. We live happily ever after. As this fantasy plays in my mind, the song, "Everybody's Talkin'" plays. The song brings up a deep sense of melacholy.

Wow, this was fascinating to see.

I saw that I project the story about Paul onto Eric. Eric has, in fact, struggled a lot (or at least this is the story he tells). His struggle is to fit into the world well enough to survive, to work hard enough to make a living and to please his partners. The story about Paul has been richly activated on a few occasions when Eric has spoken emotionally about his struggles and I have responded with despair and pity, even tears. When Eric asks me to go on orienteering trips with him, I imagine that by going on a trip with him I can make him happy, at least for a while, and relieve his suffering. I know that it is not a permanent solution but I feel guilty that I do not struggle as much as he does so I assuage that guilt by giving of myself in order to allow him some temporary happiness. (As an aside, I act out this story also by giving regularly to people, mostly strangers, who appear to be suffering due to disadvantage.)

I saw also that I project the story of the untethered astronaut onto Eric. I fear that if I don't say "yes" to enough of his requests (for travel, for sex, for assistance) that I will lose him forever. (I also act this out to some extent in every close relationship I have.) I imagine this story arose when I was a baby or toddler, with regard to my familial relationships, perhaps mostly my relationship with my mother.

Finally, I saw that I project the childhood fantasy onto prospective orienteering adventures. I imagine that such adventures could, at least someday, provide the simple, carefree happiness I find in the fantasy. If I don't go on any of those adventures, I won't find that happiness. This explains why I am often blindsided by the logistical difficulties of these adventures, even though travel with Eric has been logistically difficult for me from the very beginning. In delving into this with Eric and Zarina today, I saw that I believe I am somehow entitled to carefree travels with them, and I saw anger that after 18 years I am still finding it difficult to travel with Eric and that I am resentful about it.

I wondered, and wonder, in what ways Eric actively plays into these stories in order to get sympathy, and in order to satisfy his desires. I wonder how I can become free of these stories. Maybe some Byron Katie work?

I apologized to Zarina on this call. She has pointed out on numerous occasions that I seem to be captivated by an image of Eric as a little boy, and that I thus capitulate to him, baby him, coddle him, and fail to expect that he behave like a man. Until today I had not acknowledged the extent to which she has been correct.

Tracking healing progress

The 7th and final day of Artie Wu's program (written about a week ago)

Types of wounding, soothing, and shielding (perfectionism & people pleasing)
Shaming language levers (silence, image control)
Discovering the missing board member (inner child)
Parent's unconditional love
Unconditional self-love (inner granny)
Rescripting

Signs of healing:
1. kinder self-talk
2. diminished suffering => diminished soothing/shielding
3. people in my life will start to shift. Gradually, some will leave, others will appear, like the changing of the seasons
    because I will talk to them in a less shaming way
    and because I will no longer tolerate being shamed
4. (longer term) I will have more time, and the board members who never got support for their projects will start to raise their hands

Which of these initial changes have you already seen in your path?
Kinder self-talk. It's only been 12 hours since I did the rescripting session, so it's only happened a little

Which changes do you expect to see next?
Diminished soothing/shielding, due to rescripting AND reconnecting with the missing board members, assuming I do continue to spend some time with them each day.

How do you expect your relationships might change over time - at work, or at home?
Will have closer, more satisfying and more secure friendships. Very excited about that.
More ease at home with Eric and Zarina

Rescripting

Day 6 of Artie Wu's program

Artie says that my inner parent (seems to be similar to superego) is continuing to mimic what it heard from my actual parents, even though it may have misheard, and even though the actual parents were misguided.

His teaching here is very similar to the affirmations of Louse Haye. I've loved affirmations in the past but have been avoiding them since beginning the Liberation Unleashed / 10 Fetters method of inquiry. When I began with LU, I was instructed to drop all other techniques. Later, after I "passed the gate", Christiane said, "why take on techniques that are based in thought? why not just go for seeing through the illusions that make you believe thoughts?" My current guide, Lynne, also seems in general to be against possibly conflicting techniques. I'll let Lynne know I'm playing with scripts/affirmations.

Current inner script (mostly copied from several earlier blog posts) with rewrites in italics:
You're doing the wrong thing
You don't know what you're doing
My choices are wrong
I am a bad person, such that whatever I do will bring suffering upon me
If I do something enjoyable and mindless, I'm wasting my time
There certainly is something I ought to be doing; I need to punish myself for not doing it right now.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
Progress on the present task is a pipe dream. What I'm doing right now is a big waste of time!
If I made the right choices, I wouldn't suffer, and I doubt the choices I'm making in this moment are the right ones.
What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom

If I experience a moment of joy, I must immediately assure my safety by redirecting my attention to my list of concerns
It is safe to rest after experiencing joy

If I do not regularly (multiple times per day) acquire something (a material good, tasty food, a new facet of my self image, knowledge, some pleasure, a significant chunk of money, the completion of a task ... the publication of a new blog post ...), I am wasting my life.
I am safe without acquiring more. I can rest.

There is only so much I can do to alleviate my own suffering. Once I've alleviated it a little, stop trying, because you'll just fail.
Without suffering, I don't know who I am, and that brings up fear.
If I don't know what to do, I should punish myself
"Don't know what to do" is a rich place to be
"Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be

Any technique I use to alleviate suffering today will not work next time.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
If there's a setback while I'm trying to get something done, it's my fault and I should punish myself while taking the extra time necessary
Ah, a setback! Hello, setback!

Ideally, I would treat myself like a machine and, on schedule, do all the tasks necessary to maintain my body, my finances, my relationships, my home, and my spiritual life, regardless of whether I feel like it. When I notice that I'm not living my life this way, I should punish myself.
My fantasy about strict schedules arose from a deep self-love and longing to be safe. I now release that fantasy.

If I don't let Zarina squeeze me when I don't want her to, it'll be a big disaster
Zarina loves me unconditionally

Underneath the busyness of life, including this practice of constant acquisition, I am completely, utterly alone with a desolation that is unspeakably unpleasant.
Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.

This particular sensation (often some bodily tension) means that I am doing something wrong or that danger is on the horizon.
This sensation is part of being alive! No need to investigate. There is no problem.

Awakening is far away. It certainly isn't happening right now. It requires a lot more strenuous effort and suffering than what I've already experienced.
Awakening is simple, and nearer than near.

---------
As Artie suggests, I'll copy these onto a piece of paper that I'll keep in my pocket.

Already, I've employed a few lines of the alternative script intensively. First, What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom is called for almost constantly! When I let that message sink in, sensations arise that are interpreted as uncomfortable. Then it's time for This sensation is part of being alive! It has no meaning, and there is no problem. After the self-criticism is set aside, and the idea that sensation indicates a problem, I'm left with disorientation, and it's time for "Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be, and Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.

As I go through this series, thoughts from the programmed script arise repeatedly in a frantic, quasi-cyclic manner, and there is no time to counter each one with the alternative. No wonder: the programmed script is a deeply ingrained habit, the alternative script is a powerful pushback that takes me to a very unfamiliar place.

For the new script to be useful, I think I'll need to review the lines during idle times of day, so that the ideas and the feelings of them become very familiar to me and will be called up quickly when needed, especially given the frantic cycling.

The scripting I'm looking at here is on a deep level, perhaps deeper than Artie's typical audience.

Some additional lines for the alternative script that are appearing useful as I do this work:

Utmost courage (from Sandra Maitri)

Panic is an illusion. I am safe.

The unknown appears so vast, I will never have time to explore it and find my bearings again. Better to stay in the finite space of habit.

There is safety in this vastness, far more than in habit.

I must plan to avoid suffering in the future

The future will take care of itself.
I must bear this discomfort without breathing. Breathing is cheating.

You have a right to breathe!

After a few minutes more of working with alternative scripts, I am finding that they can be greatly abbreviated:

Safe

Richness

Faith

Courage

Wisdom

Aliveness

No problem

Breathe

Unconditional love

Illusion

Safety in vastness

The inner self-negative voice

Day 4 of program, "Your parents' unconditional love":

Teacher posits that virtually all parents actually do love their children unconditionally, and that, by extension, we are all lovable exactly as we are. This seems true to me, because I feel love for all beings, no matter how awful they are, and although for my own well being I may need to separate myself from some dangerous or unpleasant people, the love is always there and always ready to be expressed once it seems safe.

Have you experienced this type of misunderstanding with your own parents?

Yes. In my 20s I carried with me the belief that my mother found me disgusting and unacceptable, a belief I'd carried since childhood. One day I gathered my courage and asked her whether she thought there was something wrong with me. She immediately said, "Of course not! How could you think there is something wrong with you? You are my beautiful first born child!" This was a turning point for me. Her voice was so sincere, it changed the assumptions I had about her view of me, and, in turn, it changed my own self-view.

It's remarkable to me now that I once thought there was "something wrong" with me, that I was defective and inferior most other people, because that belief seems to be mostly gone now.

I never had any doubt that my father loved me unconditionally.

 

How does this change how you may speak to yourself internally?

I think the teacher is asking whether this insight into the unconditional love of others might change how I speak to myself internally going forward. No answer comes up immediately.

 

How does this change how you may want to shield and soothe going forward?

I wonder whether I can drop some of the debilitating shielding behaviors I described in my last post, especially perfectionism and people-pleasing. I am currently working on being aware of these behaviors and noticing ways I can drop them, and I think I've been dropping some of them sometimes. I'm definitely less of a pleaser than I used to be. 

The language and methods of emotional wounding

Day 2 of the course I started yesterday:

Shaming language levers:
blame, ridicule/sarcasm, comparison-making, excessive control, imposition of perfection, silence, image control, physical abuse, favoritism

Which language methods were used most often on you, in your childhood?  Which aspects of your wound did these hit?
I think I was most shamed when my mother was disgusted with my body and my crying, and withdrew her attention. I only got attention when I behaved in ways that made her comfortable. This involved silence and image control. This hit the wounding regarding my body, and that bothered me a lot for many years, but it has receded into the background.

My biggest wounding is around competence, since the main messages I hear in my mind are about whether I'm doing the right thing, and that I haven't actually accomplished anything. Perhaps this was reinforced by silence. If I didn't get approval for things I chose to do (but only for things I was asked to do), this would make sense.

Which language methods do you still use on your own self today?
I've seen that I do silence my inner voice, and I've been working with that. But perhaps I silence my inner voice way more than I think I do, given that's what was done to me. (Later in the day:) Gave some attention to this and I can see that I am constantly silencing myself, judging that what the inner voice has to say is not important, or not hearing what the inner voice has to say!

Do you use any of these language methods on others?
Wow, I constantly use silence. In fact, this is something I listed as part of my personality that I dislike. When someone says something that I don't resonate with, or that I judge negatively, I am quiet and I move onto another topic.

Image control: I interact with others in ways that attempt to highlight the features of their personality, their behavior, that I am comfortable with, and silence or suppress the features I am uncomfortable with. I do this with Eric and Zarina. I don't want them to express anger loudly and Zarina is now on a huge project to learn how to not do this anymore.

I blame Eric and Zarina a lot, and I am often trying to control their actions. Once I've controlled their actions in one aspect, I look for another aspect to be dissatisfied with and to try to control.

Wounds, shielding, and soothing

Working through the 7-day program at Preside Meditation. The purpose is to heal from inner wounding.

What is your current "blend" of the four types of emotional wounding?

Competence: I don't judge myself as incompetent in any particular arena, but my inner voice constantly says that, whatever I'm doing, I'm doing the wrong thing; that I haven't achieved anything of worth in my life (to the point of denial and amnesia about what I've achieved); and that if there's anything amiss, it's due to my incompetence. Hugely debilitating.

Body: There are judgments about my slight chubbiness and flabbiness. There is fear that the ways in which my body have aged have made me repulsive to those younger than I. My intermittent breath odor is a cause of anxiety. My hair tends to look unkempt and I fear being judged for that. These concerns are of minor impact; they're not at all debilitating.

Identity/Personality: I'm not aware of any judgments about my ethnic, gender, or sexual identities. I judge my personality as being too fake, too closed, dishonest, introverted, and indecisive. Moderately debilitating.

Relationship: "I will only be lovable if ..."  Hmmm, I feel pretty lovable. But there is a deep belief that I need to perform in order to maintain my love relationships. Mostly in the realm of physical affection. Somewhat debilitating.

What are your main soothing methods?

Of those listed as most common (drugs/alcohol, sex & relationships, food, overwork, media), I use these:

- minor use of caffeine and alcohol

- well controlled use of food

- moderate use of media

I also soothe myself by tidying and organizing, including gathering data and creating to-do lists. If I tidy and organize while I'm with others, I can drop some of the shields below.

I am very pleased with my configuration of soothing methods; they do not cause harm to myself or others. And tidying/organizing have lots of benefits.

What are your main shielding methods?

Of the five listed as most common, I use them all, especially perfectionism and people pleasing:

Money & prestige: I'm not strongly driven to increase these, but, to the extent I possess them, I do use them as shields

Perfectionism: Very much so

Anger: I use this in subtle ways, especially with my partners

Silence & invisibility (actually a camouflage; does not actually shield): Yes, I'm quiet about my opinions and isolate myself from others

People pleasing (actually a form of appeasement; does not actually shield): Yes, very much so.

Am I satisfied with my configuration of shielding methods? I would really like to do less people pleasing and have less perfectionism. Perhaps if I do more soothing I'll feel safe enough to cut down on the shielding. 

Do you see any quick-hit adjustments you'd like to try right away?

I suppose that a more healthy way to shield is to state boundaries. Are there boundaries I can state that will allow me to do less perfectionism and people-pleasing? I can't think of any at the moment.

Looking forward to tomorrow's exercises.

Still more thoughts that lead to suffering

Suffering is inevitable.

There is only so much I can do to alleviate my own suffering. Once I've alleviated it a little, stop trying, because you'll just fail.

Without suffering, I don't know who I am, and that brings up fear.

I am a bad person, such that whatever I do will bring suffering upon me

If I don't know what to do, I should punish myself

Any technique I use to alleviate suffering today will not work next time.

There certainly is something I ought to be doing; I need to punish myself for not doing it right now.

All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them

If there's a setback while I'm trying to get something done, it's my fault and I should punish myself while taking the extra time necessary

It's impossible to cut through all the thoughts that are causing me suffering. Don't try to get to the bottom of it; be satisfied with one layer or two.

Ideally, I would treat myself like a machine and, on schedule, do all the tasks necessary to maintain my body, my finances, my relationships, my home, and my spiritual life, regardless of whether I feel like it. When I notice that I'm not living my life this way, I should punish myself.

Progress on the present task is a pipe dream. What I'm doing right now is a big waste of time!

If I don't let Zarina squeeze me when I don't want her to, it'll be a big disaster

More thoughts that lead to suffering ... and a respite from that suffering!!!

If I'm doing something enjoyable and mindless, like watching a movie or TV, organizing data, cleaning house, working in the garden, eating delicious food, styling my hair, purchasing something I really want, engaging in Facebook conversation, or reading stuff on the internet, I'm doing something wrong. I ought to be doing my spiritual practice. (Note that in some cases this is at odds with the belief that I need to acquire new things).

If I buy some pleasure by ingesting caffeine, I'm doubly doing something wrong.

If I experience a moment of joy, I need to immediately ensure that I'm safe by directing my attention to my list of concerns (the time, my to-do list, delinquent obligations, preparing for the next social encounter, supporting my health, avoiding any impending discomfort).

------------

Holy cow. The past hour or so, I've kept these in mind (as well as the thoughts I documented in an earlier post) and I've been avoiding a lot of second darts!
It's OK to enjoy life!
I'm trusting that, by refraining from self-punishment, I'll not be any worse off than otherwise!

When I feel an uncomfortable sensation, instead of punishing myself for it, I've been offering myself compassion. And I don't mean anything more complicated then just pausing a sec and noting, "oh, that seemed uncomfortable, and that's fine." Not only do I avoid the second dart, but immediately the sensation ceases to be uncomfortable and my experience of it is of playful delight!

When I enjoy something mindless, I just enjoy it!

This is part of enlightenment!!! so no need to beat myself up over not doing formal spiritual practice. The point of those practices is precisely to end suffering. Might as well go directly for the ending of suffering by just ceasing to cause myself suffering :-D

Thoughts that lead to suffering

Today I read Adyashanti's The Way of Liberation. He proposes some topics of contemplation. Contemplation is not a usual part of my spiritual practice, but it appealed to me while reading about it in this book. I took some time to contemplate the following:

Suffering occurs when you believe in a thought that is at odds with what is, what was, or what may be.

I sat still, and whenever suffering occurred, I looked to see what thought might be behind the suffering. For many, but not all, instances of suffering, I found such a thought. I saw some thoughts I hadn't been aware of before:

If I do not regularly (multiple times per day) acquire something (a material good, tasty food, a new facet of my self image, knowledge, some pleasure, a significant chunk of money, the completion of a task ... the publication of a new blog post ...), I am wasting my life.

Underneath the busyness of life, including this practice of constant acquisition, I am completely, utterly alone with a desolation that is unspeakably unpleasant.

I also saw some thoughts that I had already discovered in the recent past:

This particular sensation (often some bodily tension) means that I am doing something wrong or that danger is on the horizon.

Awakening is far away. It certainly isn't happening right now. It requires a lot more strenuous effort and suffering than what I've already experienced.

If I made the right choices, I wouldn't suffer, and I doubt the choices I'm making in this moment are the right ones. 

Being with myself

I don't know what to do. I am sad. What am I sad about? I am sad that my deepest longing has never been fulfilled and likely never will be; I am sad that it is so deep and so painful that I avoid even looking at it and can't tell you what it is right now.

There is that familiar longing feeling in the right side of my mouth, a desire to chew and suck (though actually chewing and sucking is not what is desired), the upturning of the right corner of my mouth, constriction at the top of the throat, and tingling in the right chest and right arm. The thought arises, "it is the same as always, nothing new" and then, "I've seen in the past that even though it is nothing new, something new usually arises."

Waiting.

For the past year I have been deeply engaged in studying and breaking the ten fetters. I have daily contact with a guide and thoughout my days, when I am not engaged in busy-ness (and sometimes when I am), my attention inclines toward the practices and inquiries that my guide gives me. I have not spent a lot of time engaging in story-oriented or personality-oriented types of inquiry, partly because I've been engaged in this other process, and partly because my guide discourages me from this. But today, for now, I am engaging.

I am doing the wrong thing right now, there are about 47 different other things that are overdue and by not doing them I am setting myself up for pain in the future. People will be displeased with me. Oh! I do not want to look at that!

A swelling in the right chest, a welling up ...

Who will be displeased with me? In what manner?

My tenants will be displeased that I haven't taken care of tasks like repairing the basement bathroom walls.

My potential donors in the Giving Project will be displeased that I didn't contact them earlier about giving.

What does it mean to be rude, and why might one wish to avoid rude behavior.

I wrote this in 2004.

All of us find it difficult when there is a lot of uncertainty in our
lives.  Some of us enjoy uncertainty, but all of us have thresholds
beyond which uncertainty creates unpleasant stress.

One way we manage discomfort in our lives is by anticipating what
uncomfortable situations might arise, and preparing ourselves for them.
Often this preparation takes place on the psychological level.  Often it
is habitual and unconscious.  For example, a person might be somewhat
uncomfortable in social situations.  At the same time, he or she might
actually enjoy parties.  Such a person will, perhaps unconsciously,
think about the party ahead of time, what it will be like, and whom they
might encounter there.  They will try to get themselves into a mood for
enjoying a party.  This can involve invoking certain self-protective
behaviors or psychological mechanisms that help guard them against the
discomfort of socializing, and help direct their attention to the
enjoyable aspects of the socializing at this party.  Generally, this is
possible because parties are infrequent and usually predictable.  If
parties came into such a person's life arbitrarily and suddenly, it would
be much more difficult for the person to get themselves into the party
mood, and parties would probably become unpleasant intrusions.

Each society has developed certain customs which help people anticipate
discomfort.  Referring to the above example, it is customary to discuss
with one's housemates a potential party.  Custom does not,  however,
dictate that we forewarn those around us about all possible discomforts.
For example, during the day time, we don't forewarn those around us that
we might receive a phone call.  Although the ringing of the phone is an
intrusive noise, custom dictates a protocol of phone usage that allows
phone calls to happen arbitrarily during the day (in general; there are
some vague exceptions such as dinnertime).  Those of us who find the
ringing of the phone uncomfortable find ways to psychologically accommodate
arbitrary phone ringing: we hear it, we feel momentarily disturbed, and
we then let go of our anger about being disturbed because we know, from
years of living with the phone, that it is something we simply must live
with.  Hearing the phone ring all day may make us tired over time from
repeatedly being disturbed and then letting it go.  However, it makes us
less tired than it would had we not been accustomed to phone ringing.
Thus, hearing a similarly intrusive noise with a similar frequency -- such
as a jackhammer down the street -- disturbs us more.

Also, hearing the phone ring in a context where it is not customary --
such as in the wilderness -- is also more disturbing than hearing it at
home.  This is one reason why older people have trouble accepting cell
phones.  One hears arguments such as, "We go to the wilderness to relax
and hear the sounds of nature, not to hear the sounds of civilization."
However, there is at least one other sound of civilization that one
always hears in the wilderness -- the sound of an airplane passing
overhead.  It likely that the sound of phones in the wilderness will
disturb a person more than the sound of airplanes, however, because we
have become accustomed to the sound of airplanes, whereas we have been
accustomed to the *absence* of the sound of telephones.  We hear the
airplane, we are momentarily disturbed, and we let it go, usually on an
unconscious level.  The sound may not even disturb us momentarily
(why?).

To summarize, "custom" includes a set of usually unwritten rules about
which disturbances can be expected when.  Societies develop customs so
that the individuals in the society can, to some degree, anticipate
disturbing or uncomfortable situations that may arise, and thus weather
them with less discomfort. 

To be rude is to create an unanticipated disturbance.  Rude behaviors
are not morally wrong, they are just potentially disturbing actions that
are inconsistent with custom.  Because they are inconsistent with
custom, witnesses do not have psychological mechanisms in place to deal
with their feelings of being disturbed, and are thus more likely to be
made quite uncomfortable by them.

The word "rude" has negative connotations.  If somebody says, "That was
so rude!" the implication is that the person behaving rudely had intent
to disturb, or, at the very least, chose their comfort, enjoyment,
and/or spontaneity over the comfort of those around them.  More often it
is the latter; however, often a person exhibiting rude behavior does not
even know they are making such a choice.  In fact, they may not even
know that they are disturbing anybody.  When a sensitive person
innocently does something that disturbs others and is then called
"rude", it can hurt deeply.

When might we wish to avoid rude behavior?  When we value the comfort of
those around us, or value their good opinions of us.  More often than
most of us would like to admit, our polite behavior (politeness is the
opposite of rudeness) is motivated by the latter rather than the former.