It's been five months since I last posted. I feel sad to have little record of what's happened in my inner life during that time. S asked me what was going on with my blog; zie enjoys reading it and has missed it.
For the past few years I've been experiencing various aches and pains, most of which I suppose are psychogenic. In recent months I've had all-over body aches at night that can wake me up. I've discovered that simply reciting, mentally, "My body is glowing with health," is enough to take away the unpleasantness of the aching and allow me to rest. This is quite remarkable, and is consistent with the writings of John Sarno, which have been very helpful to Z and her father.
A couple weeks ago, I awoke with the all-over body aches, and considered reciting the mantra. Immediately, the thought arose, "No, that will not work. It worked in the past, but it can't continue to work."
I recognized this as part of a pattern--a pattern of believing that a practice that previously brought me very successful results will no longer do so. Where did that belief come from? Crazy stuff! As a consequence of that belief, I've given up all kinds of useful practices.
This time, I felt into the belief. What sensations and inner messages were behind it? I saw that there was great anger and grief associated with the belief that a practice could continue to be successful. "I don't want to grow up! I don't want to take care of myself! I don't want to be alone!" Keeping attention on these sensations and messages, I persisted with "my body is glowing with health", feeling relief from the body aches but discomfort with the anger and grief. It seemed as though, by noticing the power of this mantra, the power I have over my own well-being, I was also noticing that I am no longer a small child who needs to be taken care of, and experiencing the grief of letting go and the fear of thus being alone. The grief seemed to also be about having wasted so many decades being attached to this notion of myself as small and weak.
I borrowed a couple of books on the Enneagram from my co-worker L: Riso and Hudson's "The Wisdom of the Enneagram", and Sandra Maitri's "The Spiritual Dimension of the Enneagram". I'd gotten these from the library in mid-2013 and found them really useful. I'm now working from the assumption that I'm at point 6 on the Enneagram. I think of point 6 as really uninteresting and reading about it triggers feelings of contempt; perhaps that's evidence that it's my point. During 2000-2013 I'd thought I was at point 4, but when I became reacquainted with the Enneagram in 2013 it seemed likely that I was not at point 4. Points 1, 5, and 6 seemed more likely. L is an expert on the Enneagram so when zie said that my erect body carriage suggested I was a 1, I took that as my new hypothesis. But just about 10 days ago when I re-read the Type Attitude Sorters in Riso and Hudson, it hit me like a ton of bricks that I matched the sorter for point 6 way better than that for point 1.
The writings for both point 1 and point 6 have been of tremendous help with my inner work lately. People at point 6 have lost touch with their inner guidance and look toward multiple outside sources for guidance. Letting go of these outside sources, "she will be faced with her aloneness as she lets the inner object relations dissolve and begins to experience her soul without these veils." "Facing the emptiness ... will take all of the courage she can muster." That is where I am.
I awoke around 3am today and became engaged in this work. The fear, anger, and grief that arose was quite uncomfortable and brought up nausea that I am still feeling 2 hours later. I rejoice that I am facing this stuff and that I have the skills and knowledge to handle it productively.
