Log 08/24/12

6:30 am  60 minutes attention to trauma-associated sensations--described in a separate post.

11:15 am Another 45 minutes of same. This time it felt anguished instead of satisfying. Constant yearning. Massaged right jaw and throat. Toward end, made light moaning noises. Ended with 10 minutes noting as a transition, but it didn't seem to make the transition much easier.

Tried to stay in touch with feelings through work day, but today that seemed to make work nearly impossible.

1pm 30 minutes seated noting. Towards end, maybe had several cessations.

Ate a Matt's choc chip cookie and plunged into adding references to my paper.

Trauma recovery: gathering momentum

I seem to be getting over a hump, making a breakthrough, in my trauma recovery.

A start was recognizing I was recovering from trauma--that recognition happened only a few months ago. Zounds!

This morning I awoke with my usual feeling of dread. Today it was attached to a paper that's due today, fearing that E will be upset if I don't finish it. I wanted to luxuriate in the sensual comfort of semi-sleepiness with Eric beside me in bed ... but couldn't, because of the unshakeable dread.

I knew from experience what to do to break up the dread. I sat up and gave attention to the trauma-associated sensations in the right side of my body. For the first time, I directed myself to give meditative attention to the sensation, to use my powers of meditative concentration. This is just a slightly different approach than usual, just a tiny bit different. I gave attention to the sensations and allowed them to flow, letting go of each one as it morphed into the next. I allowed my body to move as it wished, following its urges. Negative thoughts came streaming by as usual, and I dismissed each one as it arrived. But before dismissing it, I put words to it; this somehow seemed important. The stream of thoughts was so repetitive and so familiar--they were all messages I've heard in my mind throughout my life in multitudinous situations--and today it was easier than ever before to know, with little doubt, that they were not to be heeded. There is not enough time ... this is hopeless ... this is a waste of time ... you should be doing something else ... something bad is about to happen ... you don't know what you're doing ... you've done this long enough ... it's  not OK to go any deeper; it's time to come out now ... it's time to move along ...

As I proceeded it became more and more clear that these messages are associated with what happened to me as an infant, with whatever experience I was re-living in my body and psyche. My intuition is that the experience happened at an age somewhere between 3 and 18 months ... probably closer to 3 months. Soon, it was obvious to me that my dread, my anxiety, had very little to do with the paper that is due today.

From time to time I brought to mind an image of my mother as a young woman hovering above me and looking down on me with an unhappy face.  Bringing to mind this image intensifies my entire experience. My breathing quickens ... fear, pleasure, sadness, and longing all increase simultaneously. And anger. I want to eat her, I want to injure her, I want to destroy her. I want to shake her and make her come to her senses.

At 6:30 I heard Z getting up, and remembered we had a 6:45 date to go running. I hadn't put it in my mind that I would do this, because she'd cancelled our last three dates, and when I saw her yesterday she hadn't mentioned anything about this morning to me. I didn't want to go running at this point; I wanted to continue with this inner work. But when I realized Z was probably getting ready for running, I tore myself away from what I was doing and went to find her to confirm. At the same time, I felt resentment: why should I force myself to get up when she felt free to cancel the last three dates? Then I realized I was acting out a habit that isn't serving me: forcing myself to adhere to commitments more steadfastly than is actually called for, for fear of punishment. I felt a modicum of new freedom from the practice I had just been doing, and I realized I wasn't so afraid of punishment now. I went back to bed.

I spent a total of an hour doing this inner work this morning: paying close attention to the sensations associated with trauma, moving with them, dismissing negative messages. Allowing, allowing, allowing. I felt less fear and more boldness than ever before. Not a great deal more than before -- but I did feel as though I'd gathered some sort of critical mass.

Log 08/23/12

4am 45 minutes seated meditation. First noting, then anapanasati concentration practice. I switched to concentration practice because there was a lot of thinking and suffering; my mind was constantly telling gloomy micro-stories instead of paying bare attention to phenomena. The anapanasati was soothing.

9:30 pm Met with Ron Crouch over the phone. For 45 minutes we talked about the experience that Beth thinks is stream entry. He agrees with her. He said that when I experienced pleasure immediately upon sitting the next day, that was the 4th nana (Knowledge of Arising and Passing Away). He said that the pleasure and excitement of the 4th nana is intense when the nana is either the first thing experienced in a sitting (this happens only during Review stage A) or when it is the person's cutting edge (when they are in the 4th stage of a path); that it can be very subtle when it's passed through in the middle of a sitting. So the intense pleasure is strong evidence that on July 14 I was in review stage A. Ron also gave me 2 techniques for calling up a cessation. The first is Kenneth's method: roll the eyeballs back into the head, then back down, rapidly, with emphasis on the down. I tried this for a few seconds and it was powerful! (though didn't get to a cessation.) The second is Ron's self-discovered method: just bring to mind the mental state of pre-cessation. I immediately felt like I knew what he was talking about, even though I've had doubt about ever having experienced cessations at all.

Log 08/22/12

1am  Awoke spontaneously and gradually. At first my mind felt clear and free, then gradually over a couple of minutes the right-side sensations and associated gloom came upon me. I inclined my mind to meditate and immediately was able to; seemed I could meditate lying down. But sat up anyway.

80 minutes seated noting. First half was as unpleasant as it gets. I'd call it "solid pain," different from the sessions with 1-2 minute cycles of pleasure/anxiety/sadness/sleepiness. Aching, pressure, nausea. Aversion was predominant, and I tried not to avoid noting it, even though immediately after noting it I'd have some really unpleasant constricting, anguish, aversion, sadness. Additionally, fear was strong in a way I haven't experienced since the spring, but only occurred in response to disturbing sounds. Made a gentle effort to relax into my experience: "aversion is like this". About halfway through sitting I noted "seeing" upon seeing some minor, ordinary-seeming visual effect with my closed eyes, and immediately after that the pain disappeared for the rest of the sitting. Then the notes were expanding, releasing, pulsing, pleasure, hearing, pressure, rocking. Wondered if I transitioned from 3rd to 4th nana, or from 10th to 11th.

10 am  After parking my car at work, spent about 15 minutes in the car feeling the right-side sensations and encouraging the infant state. As usual, much craving and fear. I told my infant self that I would protect her from the danger, and that seemed to allow more relaxation into the infant state. As usual, vivid pleasure in the right esophagus associated with imagining and acting out suckling. An aching/yearning in the abdomen; I wondered if it was related to whatever caused my infant colic. As usual, wrenching to transition out of this state. To ease the transition I tried listening for the ships in the harbor and imagining bird songs I knew: red breasted nuthatch, chickadee, mourning dove, and the ubiquitous urban multi-toned chirp! chirp! chirp!

11:15 am  30 minutes seated noting in Studio P3 at work. Lovely, lovely, lovely! I really relaxed into the experience and enjoyed it, even though there were as many unpleasant sensations as pleasant. (But most sensations were neutral.) 11th nana? Towards the end I tried inclining my mind toward cessations. I unfocussed and allowed noting to almost disappear. If I had any cessations at all, I had about seven or eight. No visuals. Maybe a tiny bliss wave or two.

Later at work: am automatically staying in tune with the pulsings, rockings, and cravings of my right side. It hasn't been very unpleasant and I have been able to work. In particular, it is not painful to put my arms to the keyboard.

Bedtime: anger was very strong.

Log 08/21/12

6:45 am  Set timer for one hour. Mind was racing about E's business situation; thinking was so strong it would be hard to call this noting practice at all. After 45 minutes, I arose and wrote an email to E.

11 am  10 minutes seated noting with J. Mind settled fairly easily.

Committed today to staying aware of my feelings. This is bringing me into the infant state that I've been experiencing with Trip and elsewhere, making it hard to work. I spent some time in the morning being really tuned into the feeling and also lazily thinking about the work problem at hand. I found that I was able to figure some things out about the problem without stressing about it, which was wonderful. But then, to move my body and arms to the keyboard in order to take action felt really hard, just like getting up from a sitting (recently) or ending a session devoted to the infant state.

1:15 pm  70-90 minutes in the quiet room, feeling the sensations, allowing the infant state, and dozing. Tried to be very gentle with self. It felt healing and refreshing.

Late afternoon and evening, the right-side sensations felt very heavy and uncomfortable, almost like I was sick. Tried doing Byron Katie's "The Work" regarding my anger at E, but it seemed to bring me down

9:45 pm 20 minutes metta, to relieve the pain.

Log 08/20/12

6:10 am  100 minutes varied practice. About 45 minutes silent seated noting, then about 20 minutes noting while very lightly massaging the right jaw. Then, noting while doing two sun salutations. Then, more seated noting while intentionally relaxing tension in right throat. This was inspired by remembering that when I returned from the Forest Refuge 10 months ago, I made a point of trying to completely relax the right throat at least once daily--because I'd noticed on retreat that tension in the right throat was a trigger for negative mind-states. Throughout today's session I was aware of a couple of cause/effect relationships: that when I note "thinking", self-punishment follows, and that when I note "aversion", fear and anguish follow. And that when I experience pleasure, the mind immediately looks for danger or asks, "what did I do wrong?" Just now, as I write this, I remember that the second nana is Knowledge of Cause and Effect. Hmmm ... maybe I did attain stream entry, did pass through review, and maybe now I am indeed beginning another path! Despite feeling temporarily encouraged by Beth's assurances that I have almost certainly attained stream entry, I have continued to experience doubt about this attainment, continue to consider this attainment a hypothesis yet to be proven.

It also occurs to me now that perhaps I was in the Knowledge of Cause and Effect the last 2 weeks of my time at the Forest Refuge, because it was these kinds of things that I was noticing strongly. In fact, during the last week, I was occupied all day with noticing chains of cause and effect. The insights that I gained in this realm were what I considered the primary benefits I carried home with me, and I even gave a talk about these insights! Curious that back then, when upon returning home I re-read Daniel Ingram's book and wondered whether I'd experienced any of the insight knowledges, I did not make this association at all and concluded that I may not have experienced any of the nanas, ever.

During this morning's sit, I did not experience cycles of fear/sadness/sleepiness/pleasure. The phenomena I noted were the same as usual, but in a more arbitrary order, and with a lot less fear/sadness/sleepiness. Plenty of craving and aversion, though.

Email from Beth; she suggests that I get a session with Kenneth or Ron to learn to call up cessations. Also, that I notice the experience of wanting to know where I am in the progress of insight.

10am Session with Trip. Spent 35 minutes following urges in the infant state. Enjoyable; seemed to experience a bit more relaxation. Didn't want to emerge; Trip suggested I find a bridge between infant state and present time reality. Listening to the birds served that purpose!

Work day: yesterday housemate Z urged me not to think of my job as a 40-hour/week commitment. Her support is freeing. Committed today to feeling.

Log 08/19/12

7am  90 minutes seated noting. Strong desire to see my experience as it is, to settle into it, to avoid being seduced by the multitudinous superficial attractions of the world. Craving and aversion were fairly predominant throughout the sitting, yet I also (again) did not want to rise from sitting. Both emotionally painful to arise (wrenching sadness) and physically painful (on a micro level, where I could feel discomfort with the tiniest muscular movement). This is something I've noticed, and noted, for months. Notes included the usual sadness, anguish, tingling, pressure, aversion, sleepiness, craving, yearning, expanding, hearing, pleasure, craving ... but with a lot of craving and aversion. As usual, felt averse to noting aversion. I really resist doing so; I seem to hold the notion that, by noting aversion, I am launching myself into a downward spiral of bad feeling. As soon as I note aversion, I notice a kind of very abrupt tensing and shutting down, which I usually don't note because it is so fast and indescribable, and perhaps because my mind shuts down so that I can't note in that moment.

During meditation I reflected briefly on how I might be cycling through the nanas. I remembered what Dan Ingram wrote about fractal models of the nanas--how one can seem to cycle through the nanas on different time scales simultaneously--and it occurred to me that I might be cycling through them not only with a periodicity of 10-50 hours, but also with a periodicity of 5-10 seconds as I note pleasure, fear, sadness, and sleepiness, pretty much in that order, over and over again through many sittings.

Gloomy feeling throughout day.

6:30 pm 40 minutes seated noting. Very sleepy. J and R have been reading Daniel's book and have begun noting practice. Very exciting!

Log 08/18/12

6:15 am 5 minutes walking noting. I had the strong fear/adrenaline sensations, and I thought walking might ease them better than sitting. It didn't. But this was the first time I'd done slow walking practice since I began diligent noting, and I found that I was able to focus on sensations and notice the components of sensations as effectively, or almost as effectively, as when sitting.

6:20 30 minutes seated noting. Eventually, the fear sensations lost their solidity and I experienced an exquisite and somewhat new combination of hearing, craving, rocking, pulsing, pleasure, release, pressure, sadness, sleepiness. The usual notes, I suppose, but I seemed to perceive my experience with a bit more detail and depth. Again, I loved being there and didn't want to stop.

I noticed something that I'd noticed at the Forest Refuge, but hadn't noticed very clearly since: after pleasure, I can have the thought, "What did I do wrong?"

Questions for Beth today:

How might I practice on retreat?

Log 08/17/12

1pm 20 minutes seated noting with meditation group at work. Very strong craving associated with R side sensations. Craving, rocking, expanding, sadness, sleepiness, pulsing, pleasure, craving, craving, sadness ... Had one instance of maybe-cessation followed by wavy black/white grid visual.

How important are ancient texts?

I have a book on my bookshelf. Can't remember the title but it's a sampling, or "best of", the discourses of the Buddha. I've pulled it down from time to time and opened to a random place, but haven't yet found it very inspiring. I am pretty sure that I am going to want to read the scriptures at some point, and when I reach that point I might think, "I should have looked at this stuff a long time ago." That's why I keep trying it.

But my current view is this: Aristotle was one of the earliest scientists, and he was a genius. There is benefit to reading his writings. But when I want deeper understanding of science, I never turn to Aristotle's writings. I turn to current writings, because we've learned a million new things since Aristotle. Some of these things negate his conclusions.

And it's often impossible to know, reading ancient writings, what the writer really meant. It drives me crazy, for example, how strenuously people try to interpret the anapanasati sutta, especially the part that says "breathe in with the whole breath" (or whatever): does it mean to be aware of the whole breath cycle, or to be aware of the entire body as it breathes? We can never know what the Buddha meant, and maybe he didn't even think this particular thing was important. It makes more sense to me to find out what works for people now.

There is at least one instance in the history of science (specifically cancer research) where people spent decades trying to understand one cryptic sentence written by a long dead, but brilliant, previous researcher. At international meetings they spent hours in debate. Turned out that this particular sentence was a complete dead end, whichever way it was interpreted! The dead brilliant scientist had gotten that particular thing utterly wrong.

Meditation log 08/16/12

6:20 am One hour seated noting. Expanding, releasing, hearing, pulsing, pressure, aversion, thinking, sadness, aversion, sleepiness, thinking, sadness, sleepiness. For a while, tried to refrain from reaching out for perception. Last 15-20 minutes, gently massaged my right jaw. Craving, yearning, release, pleasure, rocking, craving, anguish, craving, craving.

8:05 am 30 minutes noting while commuting to work. On bus, was bothered to an unusual degree by physical contact with the people next to me as the bus accelerated and decelerated.

9am During lab meeting, very gently massaged right jaw and tried to feel and indulge cravings. After meeting, continued for 15 minutes in quiet room. Craving became very intense as I gave the sensations and urges focused attention. Could not identify what I craved; the phrase "hungry ghost" from Buddhist texts came to mind. Hungry ghosts can never be satisfied. Much of the time, I curled up the right side of my tongue and sucked gently on it. It felt like I craved more sensation in the back of my right throat,  possibly to be suckling and swallowing something. The urge was felt in the mouth and throat and connected down to my right abdomen and genitals, although it really didn't feel like an urge to have sex. I asked myself if I desired to hold or be held, but neither seemed right. Difficult to return to work because the craving had become very strong with no satisfaction in sight.

This activity is not insight meditation, but I log it here anyway.

Mom called just before dinner: she was scared to sleep with Dad. (Mom has dementia.) Unsuccessfully tried to talk her down. For rest of evening, felt strong undirected fear, although I was effectively distracted by watching Back to the Future with Eric at the Magnuson Park Outdoor Theater (after doing several rounds of "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds").

Slept poorly due to fear. Awoke around 1:00 and sat. First did noting, but the fear stayed strong and solid. Not even sure "fear" is the correct word. It seemed that I had a constant stream of adrenaline plus high tension in the right torso and neck. Did several rounds of "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds", then did metta for quite a long time. Strong feelings of metta flooded to my chest immediately; this was somewhat pleasant and soothing, but I also experienced anxiety: was it really OK to give into the metta? Was it OK to let go of the strong adrenaline/tension in the right side? Can it possibly be true that I have such a powerful meditation tool; isn't it dangerous to use such a powerful tool? (I think that throughout my life I am afraid of my own power.) I was able to fall asleep after maybe 45 minutes of metta practice.

Meditation log 08/15/12

5:30 am 60 minutes seated noting. I had awoken with a lot of fear. Fear and sadness stayed predominant for most of the sitting, but finally settled away. The fear and sadness felt like a gloomy mood rather than brief experiences. There were also poignant feeling brief sensations of pleasure throughout. The right-side sensations were not noticeable, except for clenching of the jaw, which I periodically released. Towards the middle I felt a strong pull to the right. I yielded to the pull and danced with it, first rocking down to the right, then straightening the torso back upward, then swaying somewhat. My approach was influenced by Rodney's talk on faith last night, where he mentioned allowing wonder. As soon as I awoke, I tried to avoid planning and preconception.

Got car into a fix while parking. Felt fear and panic, which I tried to modulate. Called for help from others and received it.

Throughout work day, periodically checked in with myself, felt what I felt, asked if it was true that I needed to get back to work. Such strong craving to "get things done", and shame that I'm so hooked by it.

Stayed at work until 9:00 pm. Read Byron Katie and did a bit of what she calls The Work: questioning judgmental thoughts that cause me suffering, and turning them around. Resulted in both relaxation and anxiety.

Talked to Z for an hour before bed.

Meditation log 08/14/12

6:30 15 minutes seated noting. I was consumed with anger and thoughts of planning to protect myself.

Before meeting J, talked briefly with K, which propelled me into a jovial mood. K is so funny!

11:10 12 minutes seated noting with J. Tried to be relaxed and gentle with my attention. Not much thinking. Enjoyed very much; didn't want to stop, but didn't feel anguished about stopping.

More laughter with co-workers throughout day. Work felt rather tedious and difficult, and I (as usual) felt bad about how little I'd accomplished, and about how much I avoid putting my mind onto my work.

3:00 27 minutes gentle seated noting in the nap room. Towards the end, sleepiness was predominant, to the point where I think I stopped noting and stopped having much awareness. I had several momentary drops into unconsciousness similar to what Beth called cessations. But there was so much sleepiness surrounding them this time. My timer was set for 45 minutes but when there were 18 minutes left, I decided to recline and nap.

6:45 pm 40 minutes seated noting at SIMS. Can't remember much about it. But I was in a negative mood from the time I left work until Rodney's talk was over. Low-grade suffering, but, gratefully, no acute suffering. In particular, it wasn't painful to talk to people or be in the midst of them.

Meditation log 08/12/12

Returned from Whidbey with M. Felt great sadness upon parting; anguish seemed to stay with me until dinner time. Bits of meditation throughout day. Very warm. Anxiety, some conflict, when E returned from work. Dinner with E and Z on back porch.

I've read that after stream entry, one cycles through the stages of insight continuously in daily life. I forget the periodicity of the cycles. I do seem to cycle in and out of feeling anguished during recent weeks, with a periodicity of about 24 hours.

10:30 pm 30 minutes seated noting. Felt sleepy, so lay down to sleep.

Meditation log 08/13/12

Awoke, as usual, feeling dread. Tried meditating while reclining in bed; didn't provide relief.

7:00 Ran with Z. Light noting throughout. Lots of anxiety about noting while with Z instead of chatting.

7:45 45 minutes seated silent noting on back porch. Interplay of vivid pleasure (hearing, tingling) and anguish (pulsing, pressure, sadness). A fair amount of thinking. At about 30 minutes I intentionally relaxed my right jaw (it's usually clenched) and the anguish subsided after that. Again, I didn't want to arise from meditation.

During session with Trip, spent ~25 minutes feeling into and moving with right side sensations. Felt both satisfaction and great yearning. Similar to meditation session, did not want to emerge from this activity.

Committed myself to staying with these sensations throughout work day. I sense that they are leading me to a truer way of living, a way with less tension and striving.

3:45 pm 30 minutes very light noting as I continued to stay and move with these sensations. Felt quite sleepy so followed up with a 15 minute nap. When I awoke, I felt quite at ease and at peace with the sensations, as though they'd reached some resolution.

Beautiful summer day. Much pleasure from sights and sounds.

9:45 pm Concentration practice, anapanasati. I simply felt drawn to this practice. I used noting for distractions. The mind settled fairly quickly and easily. After about 30 minutes, Eric entered the room. Anger arose and the mind became busy.

Meditation log 08/11/12

5:00 am 15-30 minutes seated noting. I'd been woken around 4 by Eric, startled, and re-traumatized when I forced myself to remain near him against strong urges. Then my mind raced with gloomy thoughts triggered by right-side tensions, and I couldn't go back to sleep. Finally decided to sit up. Against expectation, after some time, the suffering faded away. The tensions were still there, but there were no stories, and my body had found a position (curled somewhat to the right) where the urges to curl forward were in abeyance. I felt relief and gladness! (though I can't recall using those words in my noting ... but I did use 'peace'). Finally lay down to sleep, continuing to follow the body's urge to be in a semi-fetal position and continuing to note. Fell asleep quite soon and awoke at 8:00 with a peaceful mind.

8:30 am 30 minutes seated noting. My attention was gentle. There was a lot of thinking, but it seemed OK. A new gentleness with myself during the moment after I notice I've been thinking and begin to punish myself for it: I was able to have attention for the self-punishment and resulting anguish, and had new understanding that it was out of my control. The sitting was an interplay of sadness and joy. I didn't want to stop--but it was not painful to stop.

Traveled to Whidbey with M and visited N's family. I felt anxiety throughout the day, which I successfully modulated by taking meditation breaks--the breaks seemed to result in lessened anxiety and greater enjoyment. Whidbey felt peaceful. Walked slack line at beach, watched meteor shower at night.

Remembering what happened during meditation

Another question from a reader: "How can you remember all the details you write about?  You meditate for an hour and then go on to describe all the sensations."

In general, I have a good short-term memory for the details of my experience. Throughout my life I've been able to write vividly about my experiences. I do find with meditation that the details tend to slip out of my memory very quickly. Not quite as quickly as the details of a dream, but almost. I think this is because the meditative experience is so different from ordinary (for lack of a better word) experience. So sometimes during meditation I make a mental gesture to imprint some aspect of my experience upon my memory. This is a distraction from the meditation, though, so I don't do it often. As a result, my accounts of my meditation experiences are much less detailed and vivid than they would be if I could somehow record them as they are happening.

Meditation log 08/10/12

6:15 am One hour seated meditation. I began by not noting at all. This is how I used to meditate, for years! I just sat and watched, but also didn't try too hard to watch. I found myself thinking a lot, but the experience was markedly different from just having a lazy mind (such as when walking, running, or riding the bus mindlessly). Perhaps because I was seated cross-legged on a cushion with my eyes closed and with the intention to meditate, I was "snapped into" a certain mind state that I think of as meditative.

After a while I was tired of wandering mind, so I began to note, first very gently and sporadically, then ramped up to my usual frequency.

Attention was not very crisp, and there was still a lot of thinking and also a fair amount of suffering over the sensations in the right side. These sensations are not only unpleasant, they seem to trigger negative stories.

I've had the sense, which has grown slowly over the past weeks and maybe even months, that my life is gradually becoming overly busy. I don't think I necessarily have too many activities scheduled. Rather, my mind is agitated and bothered, so I feel busy. Somehow, I'm rarely sitting down for breakfast, rarely doing yoga, rarely running, never going to the weight room, and I'm not getting my 90+ minutes of meditation in daily. The composure and balance I enjoyed coming out of the Forest Refuge 9.5 months ago seems completely gone.

1pm 30 minutes with sitting group at work. First few minutes, no noting. Then, chose to not reach for experience. Since I was not in the state of "abiding in the midst of experience" (which is possibly what's called equanimity), I found that if I didn't reach for experience, there wasn't much to note. I was aware that sounds, sensations, and so forth were present, but it was as though the weren't close enough to be named. So noting was very sparse and relaxed. Continued to feel feelings of anguish and longing with regard to sensations on right side. Tried a new thing: adopting an attitude of letting go. Mostly, letting go of desire and aversion. I soon was in the state where I feel something like sleepiness, and several times I had experiences like I had a week ago, that Beth said are cessations. They are really subtle, almost unnoticeable, and I experience doubt that they really are cessations. After one of them I found the fine, wavy, black/white grid pattern in my visual field. Didn't experience anything that struck me as bliss waves. Every time I anticipated the end of the meditation session, I dreaded it. I felt very absorbed in my experience, and attached to it, even though it wasn't what I'd call pleasant. I really, really didn't want to stop--felt like leaving a lover.

My attitude of not reaching for experience, and of letting go, arises from weariness of struggling with the right side sensations, weariness of wondering whether I attained stream entry, weariness of the lack of centeredness in my daily life, and an inexplicable weariness with noting practice.

Meditation log 08/09/12

8am one hour seated noting, mostly the inquiring noting. As soon as I sat down, I snapped into focused attention. Eric had prepared me some delicious broth for breakfast, and I wanted to consume it while it was hot, so at about the 20 minute mark I drank the broth he had placed before me 5 minutes earlier. I tried to note "sipping, warmth, tasting, tingling, smelling, enjoyment, swallowing." I find that the pleasure of tasty food is experienced quite differently from the pleasure of sights, sounds, and smells, and I could not pinpoint where in the body this pleasure was located. Toward the end of the session the sensations in the right side were really strong and I felt anguished. I felt a strong urge (has happened many times before) for my body to curl downward toward the right, along with a sense that no matter how far my body fell, the craving would not be satisfied. I wearied of noting "pulsing, craving, hunger, yearning, tension, craving," so I tried to notice sensation faster, on a finer level, beneath emotion:. In order to do this I had to stop noting with words so much.  This was partially successful in relieving the anguish. I felt a great sadness upon the end of the session, as I did yesterday morning, as though I was needing to leave some great comfort.

I am curious what is going on in the brain and the mind during this interplay of insight practice and trauma recovery.

5:30 pm 15 minutes seated noting

6:30 pm -- potluck with neighborhood kalyana mitta group. I haven't attended this particular group in a few months. Talked with J about our practices and what meditation feels like now. Sounds like her practice has been powerful.

Meditation log 08/08/12

6:17am  13 minutes inquiring noting. After a few minutes, checked to see if I was "abiding peacefully in the midst of sensation". It didn't seem that I was, but I tried to let go of my reaching out for experience, and was successful. So for the rest of the sitting, I was in that comfortable state. (Now, 3 hours later at my desk, I just tried closing my eyes and it seemed I was in that state nearly immediately.) After a few more minutes, I found I didn't want to note anymore, I just wanted to abide. So that's what I did. Wondered a little whether a fruition was coming, but let go of that wondering fairly easily. I was tired of trying to call up fruitions.

Ran & stretched with Zarina.

On commute to work, practiced relax-for-2-to-5-seconds repeatedly. Tensions in right side are present and bring some suffering.

11:00 am Very tired of right side tensions. Went to quiet room to indulge them. Curled into fetal on left side and sucked on tongue in the way I discovered yesterday. Wasn't sure what to do except try to indulge yearnings as much as possible, to feel and be as much as possible, and to see what messages or images might be associated with the yearnings (didn't find any messages/images). Sucking on my tongue was soothing, pleasurable, and satisfying. After about 10 minutes decided to get back to my desk even though yearnings were still strong. Thought about fun I would have later with Mesbah at lunch; this helped with the transition. Now, at my desk, I feel more settled, less disturbed by the tensions.

10:45 pm  15 minutes seated noting in bed.

Working with the residue of trauma

The tensions I feel on the right side of my body, apparently residue from very early trauma, were strong in my meditation this morning. I continued to be aware of them throughout my morning, and this was unpleasant. In lab meeting I placed most of my attention upon them, hoping to either gain further insight into them or to allow them to relax. As in yesterday's psychotherapy session, they flowered into a strong sense of suckling in the mouth, light feelings of sexual desire in the genitals, and an overall feeling of strong desire for some unknown thing. Today I found myself curling my tongue into a position that then gave me something to suck on that vaguely resembled a nipple; this brought me a bit deeper into the remembering-infancy state. After lab meeting I went to the quiet room to give more space to this process of regression. I had to keep dismissing thoughts of work. Then it dawned on me that the thoughts of work are part of the whole drama: I want to relax, let go, get absorbed in sensuality, but I feel the need to be constantly aware of outside demands in order to avoid severe punishment. Even in the quiet room where I had relative freedom and privacy, where I could indulge nearly any physical urge, I was left with unpleasant tension in the right torso that felt like unfulfilled desire. It was hard to decide to go back to work.

Meditation log 08/07/12

7:20 am  20 minutes seated "inquiring" noting: who hears? who thinks? etc. Tension in right throat was strong. Meditation was very enjoyable even though there were unpleasant sensations and I really, really didn't want to stop. When I arose, I noted who is sad? who is very sad? who clings? The question "who" seemed to bring added detachment from identification.

11:00 12 minutes seated noting with Julie.

Tension in right side, especially face and head, is strong all day. It is unpleasant and distracting.

7pm Felt really wiped out at work and during commute. Right side tensions even stronger and more unpleasant. Skipped both parties; ate popcorn and read a good book.

10:20 pm ~15 minutes seated noting.

Meditation log 08/06/12

Noon. Read a dharmaoverground thread about how to call up fruitions. The experience of post-path fruition as described by Nikolai, "a sense of letting go, maybe tinged with dispassionate carefree attitude towards the phenomena that is shutting down," seemed remarkably apt for what I experienced two nights ago. I paused in my desk chair at work to see if I could call up fruitions. I thought maybe I could do this because my mind has been unusually ... something ... the past couple of days. Trip said this morning that there was a lot of light about me. I've been experiencing pleasure and equanimity in daily life. So I tried to call up fruitions. I inclined my mind toward the state of Knowledge of Equanimity, then relaxed my focus. I then experienced a kind of excitement, a little adrenaline rush and tingly feelings ... and then a tiny sense of dropping and of resolution, with a little bliss wave. (I am conscious of adopting language I've read on the dharma forums, such as "bliss wave".) Then this repeats with a cycle of maybe 10-15 seconds.

Feeling especially good, happy, positive. I've not felt "normal" since my retreat at the Forest Refuge almost a year ago, but I feel even more far from "normal" today than usual. It's mostly pleasant, but there's an element of excitement that's a little grating.

Meditation log 08/05/12

7:40 am  One hour seated  noting. I tried to notice what it is about my "usual" (pre-equanimity?) meditation experience that makes it different from "abiding in the midst of experience". Am I reaching out for something, and, if so, what is it? As usual, when I started out meditating I did not feel like I was abiding in the midst, and I noticed its somewhat frantic and grasping quality. I thought, "what if I just relax and observe only those sensations that come to me?" I did so, and noticed that suffering and identification increased. It seems that I try harder to notice and note many things in order to avoid the sense of identification. After maybe 10 minutes I entered the easier "abiding in the midst" state where I could note in a more relaxed way without the burden of identification. I wished for the experiences I had last night that I hoped were cessations, but anxiety came with the wishing, and I didn't have any such experiences. I noted many unpleasant things, including aversion and a wishing for things to be different. Can this qualify as equanimity?

Met with Beth in person today! She said that she and Kenneth both think that what I experienced last night were cessations.

3pm 20 minutes noting with Beth. We did a kind of noting where every note was a question of the form, "Who hears? Who thinks? Who feels pleasure?" I didn't consciously try to think about "who". We did this verbally, first one doing three notes, then the other, at a very relaxed pace. Soon, if not immediately, I felt very comfortable and present. I noted pleasure a lot. Sometimes there was anxiety about what to note and what words to use; I did not note this anxiety. On a few occasions I said, "Who vibrates?" or "Who feels vibrations?" I was looking for vibrations because I had recently read they were a feature of high equanimity.

Drank coffee after dinner for an alert drive home from Deena's. I drink coffee extremely rarely and it usually has a powerful effect on my experience for about 24 hours, usually exceptional focus followed by exceptional tendency toward negative mind-states, with the two phases overlapping.

12:30 am (half past midnight) 65 minutes seated meditation. First, noting. Again, tried to have cessations. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't. Not sure. Then, "relax for 2 to 5 seconds". Then, anapanasati concentration practice. I was curious what this practice would be like in my current state of mind. I wanted to go deep and feel quite absorbed in my object (though, of course, not to the point of jhana). But, given that I had limited time, and that I was striving, it is not surprising that I didn't ever feel exceptionally absorbed. I did not even reach the level of absorption that I used to reach after just a few seconds while I was at my long retreat last year.

Meditation log 08/04/12

I slept with Mom last night. I slept lightly and with pleasure. At times I practiced "relax for 2 to 5 seconds".

6:50 am  One hour seated noting. The second half I felt like I was abiding comfortably in the midst of sensations--as I've experienced and recorded many times over the past month. When I enter this state, I think, "Oh, I'm not needing to reach for sensation anymore," even though before I enter this state I am not thinking, "I am needing to reach for sensation." There was little unpleasantness throughout the sitting, and very little during the second half. During the second half I once noted "joy" and often noted pleasure, calm, peace. It was not completely peaceful--there was sometimes craving or anxiety--but it was quite peaceful. During the second half I often was in a somewhat sleepy state. A few times I had the notion that I might have a fruition, and wished to have one, but forgot to note "wishing" or "grasping". I would like to have meditated longer, but Mom was anxious and kept waking Dad.

Midnight. Maybe 30 minutes seated noting. Before I sat I was very eager to sit, after having discussed practice with Shaila for 1/2 hour in the car and then read stuff online from Kenneth Folk and Ron Crouch. I was eager to ease the burden of personality and to observe my experience closely. Towards the latter half of the sit I felt like I was peacefully "abiding in the midst of sensation", which might be the stage of Knowledge of Equanimity. I noted sleepiness from time to time, but did not actually become drowsy. Several times my awareness became less crisp for a few moments, and then I'd seemingly drop out of consciousness for what seemed like a fraction of a second. It was pleasant. I'd experienced this before and thought that it was dozing off, but last night I paid closer attention and it seemed different from dozing, and I wondered if it was cessation. I tried being aware of the rhythm of the clock ticking to see if the rhythm seemed interrupted by these blips (indicating time loss), but it didn't seem to be.

I love dropping the sense of self. During my sit I was eager to drop it and thus eagerly noted everything that seemed associated with self.

Meditation log 08/03/12

5:50 40 minutes seated noting. Aversion to tensions in right side of body was predominant throughout. It was a bit of a relief to give noting attention to these tensions after not having done much of it for about 48 hours. Pulsing, aversion, sadness, thinking, aversion, anxiety, expanding, tingling, pleasure (there was a hint of pleasure in the right-side sensations at times), anxiety, aversion ...

I'd awoken at 5:30 and tried mightily to note while reclining ... but the mind just doesn't notice sensations at as fine a level of detail in this position, usually.

1pm 30 minutes noting with meditation group at work. Tension was strong in the right side of my face, perhaps as it was when I was doing concentration practice at the Forest Refuge last year, and attention was mostly there. I noticed a lot of bundles of turbulent sensation that weren't nameable. Also lots of small moments of poignant pleasure. Notes were: tension, aversion, craving, tingling, pleasure, pulsing, tension, hunger, rocking, sleepiness, tingling, tension, pleasure ...  When sleepiness was present, I was reminded of the session three weeks ago when I had the "nothing to hold onto experience" and had thoughts of wanting and looking for that to recur. But forgot to note those thoughts.

About 7 minutes into the session, a Blue Angel roared close by. It didn't become audible until it was very close. At first I didn't recognize the sound and for a fraction of a second I was very alarmed and opened my eyes. I was left with an adrenaline rush that lasted a few minutes. Gustavo said that after having lived in Israel for many years, he knows the sound of a fighter jet.

The tension in the face has been present all day and continues to be present after meditation.

7pm 20 minutes seated noting on the airplane. Lots of anger and aversion. Finally decided to sleep.

8pm 20 minutes anapanasati concentration practice. It's lovely how piti (pleasure) arises almost immediately with this practice.

Meditation log 08/02/12

6:30 am Sat for one hour doing a combination of psychotherapeutic attention (for lack of a better term) and metta. As yesterday or the day before, I felt inclined to give gentle, loving attention to the tensions on the right side of my body, hoping that they would soften under this kind of attention. I did a kind of light noting--sadness, craving, anxiety, ambivalence--while trying to physically dance with the sensations and accommodate the associated desires. I noticed that my body was inclined to lean to the right (very familiar) but that I didn't want to lean to the right because it was physically uncomfortable, and this brought up anxiety.

After about 20 minutes, the tensions hadn't appreciably softened. I switched to metta. Pleasure comes up so quickly and easily for me when I practice mettta! Yet there is an associated anxiety: pleasure is dangerous. I noted the obstacles to accepting pleasure.

There was a lot of wandering mind during this session.

Work day was relatively low in anxiety. I stopped occasionally to notice what I was feeling. But, certainly, nowhere near all of the times that my every-20-minutes "it's time" timer went off. I want to be more diligent about that.

5pm session with Gene. Experienced despair over difficulties with Eric.

Fun evening socializing with Eric, Zarina, and Jeremy. Got a letter from Rosemary at camp.

Meditation log 08/01/12

4am Awoke to a strong sense of anatta. I liked it and tried for more in a semi-wakeful state, tried to pre-empt my mind from attaching a sense of self to perceptions. This trying was a little successful at first, but then frustrating. I slipped into a dream where I flew with Eric to Asia, where he was dropping me off for a month-long retreat. We met Shaila there. I was anxious to talk to her as much as possible before the retreat in order to learn customs and strategies for coping. At the retreat center I saw that Elizabeth Walkup and Marianne Mueller were also there. And I visited my brother Paul, who had been institutionalized for mental illness. I was sad that he was going to spend another 40 years of life without mental clarity.

5:50 45 minutes noting. Did not begin in crisp "A&P" state, and perhaps never got there. A lot of aversion and craving. Also sleepiness, hearing, rocking, anguish, expanding. Noticed that expanding (the in-breath) was pleasant and tried to note "pleasure". The pleasure was so fleeting, and it seemed that when I noted it, the following sadness or aversion or tension was particularly strong.