I had a mind clearing session with R today.
I worked on feelings of guilt about something that happened two years ago between me and my tenant A.S.
I connected the situation to when I was in elementary/middle school and decided to force myself to be kind & generous toward classmates who I thought were foolish and stupid
Traced this back to thinking that my mom was foolish and stupid, but that I had to humor her in order to survive and be loved
Chest & throat felt tight, I felt stuck, angry, frustrated, I started worrying that Rovena was stupid and unable to help me
Rovena asked me "How would you describe your problem now?" That was hard to answer but I eventually said my problem was that my throat, my voice wanted to make noise. Then I started making noises with my voice. All the while worrying that Rovena was bored or disgusted, or that I was overtime.
But after a very short while of this, I felt happy and rather at ease. The shift was remarkable: almost all the stress was gone, yet it seemed that nothing had happened, nothing had changed. I was now beneath the world of words and thought, which initially felt uncomfortable but soon felt OK. Making these quiet vocalizations, I was in a world where things were OK and felt right. I asked myself whether I had a problem anymore and there was no sense of any problem. When I thought about the A.S. episode, there was no stress at all. I could picture A.S.'s face, it was beautiful and relaxed, and she was telling me that I was OK.
Seems that as a very young one, I felt that it wasn't OK to make noise with my voice, and that somehow caused me to conclude that my mother was foolish and stupid.
