6:20 am One hour seated noting. Expanding, releasing, hearing, pulsing, pressure, aversion, thinking, sadness, aversion, sleepiness, thinking, sadness, sleepiness. For a while, tried to refrain from reaching out for perception. Last 15-20 minutes, gently massaged my right jaw. Craving, yearning, release, pleasure, rocking, craving, anguish, craving, craving.
8:05 am 30 minutes noting while commuting to work. On bus, was bothered to an unusual degree by physical contact with the people next to me as the bus accelerated and decelerated.
9am During lab meeting, very gently massaged right jaw and tried to feel and indulge cravings. After meeting, continued for 15 minutes in quiet room. Craving became very intense as I gave the sensations and urges focused attention. Could not identify what I craved; the phrase "hungry ghost" from Buddhist texts came to mind. Hungry ghosts can never be satisfied. Much of the time, I curled up the right side of my tongue and sucked gently on it. It felt like I craved more sensation in the back of my right throat, possibly to be suckling and swallowing something. The urge was felt in the mouth and throat and connected down to my right abdomen and genitals, although it really didn't feel like an urge to have sex. I asked myself if I desired to hold or be held, but neither seemed right. Difficult to return to work because the craving had become very strong with no satisfaction in sight.
This activity is not insight meditation, but I log it here anyway.
Mom called just before dinner: she was scared to sleep with Dad. (Mom has dementia.) Unsuccessfully tried to talk her down. For rest of evening, felt strong undirected fear, although I was effectively distracted by watching Back to the Future with Eric at the Magnuson Park Outdoor Theater (after doing several rounds of "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds").
Slept poorly due to fear. Awoke around 1:00 and sat. First did noting, but the fear stayed strong and solid. Not even sure "fear" is the correct word. It seemed that I had a constant stream of adrenaline plus high tension in the right torso and neck. Did several rounds of "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds", then did metta for quite a long time. Strong feelings of metta flooded to my chest immediately; this was somewhat pleasant and soothing, but I also experienced anxiety: was it really OK to give into the metta? Was it OK to let go of the strong adrenaline/tension in the right side? Can it possibly be true that I have such a powerful meditation tool; isn't it dangerous to use such a powerful tool? (I think that throughout my life I am afraid of my own power.) I was able to fall asleep after maybe 45 minutes of metta practice.
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