Lately I've been practicing inquiry in the style of the Kiloby Inquiries, especially when working with my morning negative mental state. When a stressful thought arises, I visualize it in print before me. Sometimes I tap my third eye or clavicle, to ground me in physicality. These small tweaks do loosen the velcro (as Scott Kiloby calls it) between thought and sensation.
I think a theme of practice over the past year has been a clearer awareness that I am clinging to anxiety. I cling to it because its familiarity seems preferable to its absence. During inquiry, when stressful thoughts dissolve and the tensions in my right jaw/throat/torso/arm relax, the thought, "there is nothing here" arises. Or "where am I?", "I don't know what to do," "I don't know who I am".
In just the past few weeks I've begun to become aware of a holding in the center of the chest that I'd previously been unaware of. Often, something comes into my awareness, some inner experience, some thought/sensation bundle of which I am as yet seeing only dimly, and it is immediately repressed. Meaning, I immediately distract myself from it. It is both exciting and discouraging to begin to see this deeper layer. The words associated with it so far are "No" and "Don't", uttered very sharply.
A few weeks ago Z spoke very strongly to me about how ways that I am with her are very difficult for her. It was very disturbing. After a lot of upset and blaming thoughts, I wrote down and reflected on what she'd said, and concluded that my relationship with her is indeed infused with deep suspicion, more than I'd realized before. I'd been denying the depth of it because I don't want to see myself as a bad friend. There are strong beliefs that she is out to take advantage of me, and it colors our relating repeatedly throughout each day. Seeing this provides yet stronger motivation to work through this trauma-driven behavior.
Over the past 18 months I have been receiving regular mind clearing sessions from Rovena, two to four times per month, plus we did a three-day intensive this past April. I've focused on my relationships with E and Z, mostly with Z. During my next session with her in two days, we will review what's happened this past year. I want to review myself ahead of time. There is a sense of dread because of an idea that very little progress has been made over the past year. Perhaps my measure of progress is harmony in my relationship with Z, and that does not seem improved. I bet once I do my own review, I will see that things have shifted. Because of the strong projection, there is a belief that as long as Z is unhappy with me, I have failed. On the face of it, that's a ridiculous belief! It's very strong, though.
Back in March I did some Byron Katie work on my reactivity toward Z. I paid Kay Neiminem for a video session (painful) and Ron E. did some online chat with me (not painful and seemed to shift things a little). I looked at the belief, "Z doesn't respect me". This belief continues to arise over and over again in response to things Z says and does.
