Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Recent shifts in practice
Over the past several weeks I have been meditating less and less, and doing more inner child work. I put my sessions with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk on hold. My zeal for meditation practice has lessened, and this is discombobulating. Until about the first of November, I'd meditated 1.5 hours daily almost without fail for an entire 12 months. Lately I've been spending more time on Facebook and reading the newspaper, more time than ever since I returned from the 2-month retreat 13.5 months ago. This doesn't seem desirable, but I can't think of how to stop, other than by going on another 2 month retreat and thus hitting the reset button. I'm not sure I want to go on another 2 month retreat--not sure the isolation and occasional periods of intense suffering are right. I've also been spending more time exercising lately. This seems desirable, except for how it displaces time on the cushion.
Feeling shamed by mom
This morning I had an experience I've had dozens, perhaps hundreds, of times in my life: a woman I know expressed some displeasure with something I'd done, and I went into a painful tailspin of shame.
More and more in recent months I've been responding to this in a new way: instead of ruminating over the incident, trying to figure out how to respond, reasoning with myself that it's not a big deal, and distracting myself--I've been inventing and imagining a similar incident in my early childhood involving Mom, then imagining expressing anger toward Mom.
The incident today happened around 8:30, and now, at 10:20, I feel like I've almost completely processed it. Two hours is a long time to be burdened by this, but it's a lot shorter than it used to be. Incidents like this used to bother me for days.
It took me one or two minutes after the incident to realize this familiar cycle was happening. I was on the bus to work. As I walked from the bus to the office, I imagined that I was 3 or 4, innocently having fun with some playmates, when Mom comes on the scene and terrorizes me. I tried to imagine punching her in the face--but this provided no satisfaction at first. I just kept thinking, "But if Mom is so angry with me, I must have done something really bad! It must actually have been bad!" I thought perhaps this strategy somehow wasn't going to work for me today. I left a voice mail for T, my psychotherapist.
Then I sat in a meeting for an hour. Although I would like to have paid attention to the interesting presentation, instead I put most of my attention onto further processing. I clenched my hand into a fist and punched isometrically. Over time, I was able to feel a satisfying rage against my mom, and a growing confidence that I, as the 3 or 4 year old, had done nothing horrendous. I had just done a little something that I would happily have corrected, had I been gently guided to do so. Every couple of minutes, my mind reflected on what had actually occurred today--but I only let my mind rest there briefly each time, only as long as I could rest there without self-punishment. Each time I looked at what occurred today, I was able to have more and more acceptance and forgiveness about what I had actually done, and to see that what I'd done was overwhelmingly moderate, sensible, and considerate--that I'd possibly made just a tiny mistake, something I'd happily correct in the future. I also saw that some of the woman's displeasure had to do with her own issues.
More and more in recent months I've been responding to this in a new way: instead of ruminating over the incident, trying to figure out how to respond, reasoning with myself that it's not a big deal, and distracting myself--I've been inventing and imagining a similar incident in my early childhood involving Mom, then imagining expressing anger toward Mom.
The incident today happened around 8:30, and now, at 10:20, I feel like I've almost completely processed it. Two hours is a long time to be burdened by this, but it's a lot shorter than it used to be. Incidents like this used to bother me for days.
It took me one or two minutes after the incident to realize this familiar cycle was happening. I was on the bus to work. As I walked from the bus to the office, I imagined that I was 3 or 4, innocently having fun with some playmates, when Mom comes on the scene and terrorizes me. I tried to imagine punching her in the face--but this provided no satisfaction at first. I just kept thinking, "But if Mom is so angry with me, I must have done something really bad! It must actually have been bad!" I thought perhaps this strategy somehow wasn't going to work for me today. I left a voice mail for T, my psychotherapist.
Then I sat in a meeting for an hour. Although I would like to have paid attention to the interesting presentation, instead I put most of my attention onto further processing. I clenched my hand into a fist and punched isometrically. Over time, I was able to feel a satisfying rage against my mom, and a growing confidence that I, as the 3 or 4 year old, had done nothing horrendous. I had just done a little something that I would happily have corrected, had I been gently guided to do so. Every couple of minutes, my mind reflected on what had actually occurred today--but I only let my mind rest there briefly each time, only as long as I could rest there without self-punishment. Each time I looked at what occurred today, I was able to have more and more acceptance and forgiveness about what I had actually done, and to see that what I'd done was overwhelmingly moderate, sensible, and considerate--that I'd possibly made just a tiny mistake, something I'd happily correct in the future. I also saw that some of the woman's displeasure had to do with her own issues.
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