5:10 a.m. 45 minutes seated noting. Unpleasantness and aversion were dominant. Lots of aversion! Aversion, aversion, aversion. I continue to notice that I subtly blame myself for aversive reactions, so that when I note aversion, it triggers more aversion. Wondered whether it was necessary to have such an unpleasant meditation experience, so tried three different things to lighten it up. First I tried relaxing into the initial triggering sensation (tension in the right throat). Next, I tried "relaxing for 2 to 5 seconds", releasing the stories that turn this sensation into suffering. (I noted "relaxing", but I found that if I noted as usual during the 2 to 5 seconds, I wasn't able to relax as much. But a very light, wordless noting -- almost like "that, that, that" -- seemed to be OK.) Finally, I tried making an effort to notice pleasant stimuli. Usually, my mind inclines toward the unpleasant, so it seemed perhaps beneficial to make a small effort to incline towards the pleasant.
Each of these attempts was successful, and the final portion of the sitting was relatively pleasant.
11:40 15 minutes with Julie. The sensations in my right throat were really bothering me and I dreaded spending 15 minutes noting my aversion to them. Trying to be kind to myself, I spent the period paying gentle attention to the sensations and relaxing into them. With micro-movements of my head and neck, following urges, I seem to be able to soothe the tension there, and this is what I did. I dozed a little. My timer malfunctioned and I don't know exactly how long we sat. I felt comfortable and refreshed afterward.
I used to wonder whether this kind of thing could be called Vipassana practice. Now I think that it isn't, because I'm not noticing the Three Characteristics. It is in some sense a supporting practice in that I am practicing paying attention to sensation.
Spent a bunch of time doing "relax for 2 to 5 seconds" repeatedly. When I do this, the aversion to the right throat/torso tensions disappears. Is this because the aversion arises from a story about the tension?
10:30 pm 15 minutes seated noting. It was uncomfortable and unpleasant. RLS symptoms.
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