Meditation log 07/11/12

Didn't leave time to meditate at all this morning before work.

In the backyard with Zarina, I recalled that when Nick was here over the weekend, he looked at one of our squash plants and said, "That's patty-pan squash!" "How can you tell?" said I. "Look, it already has fruit!" When I recalled this, a strong pulse of sadness came to me, and I felt on the verge of sobbing. This is a greater openness to sadness than I've had in the past.

8:30am 30 minutes noting during bus/walk to work. I think I avoid noting pleasure. When I do, I think I immediately afterward look for danger or something unpleasant--and usually find it. I'd like to note pleasure more often, and then pay careful attention to what comes afterward.

Listened to a talk today by an internal post-doc on a family genomics study of bipolar disorder. Was interested because of the mental illness in my own family. Seems that bipolar is highly multigenic.

All day I felt discomfort that seemed related to sadness. Finally I decided to sit:

4pm One hour seated silent noting. A rather difficult sitting, with lots of ill-defined unpleasantness associated with the right torso/throat sensations. I noted aversion a lot. I think until the last few weeks I'd really avoided noting aversion. When I note it, I can kind of freeze up and zone out; I think I'm afraid that noting aversion will bring worse stuff to me. I also feel responsible for my aversion. Today I reminded myself wordlessly that it is not my fault that I experience aversion; I didn't make it happen. I tried to let go and settle into the difficult sensations (which, today, I sometimes noted as anguish); I tried not to wish or expect them to resolve in any particular way. Sometimes they turned into something like pleasure. I sometimes had pleasant sensations in the genitals. I frequently dipped into a sleepy state and sometimes had something like dreaming. I was a bit surprised when the bell went off after one hour; I didn't think an hour had passed. I did not look at my clock the whole time, or even consider looking.

6pm 30 minutes noting on the bus. My left arm contacted the arm of the person next to me, and the bus seemed to be lurching. These things triggered continuous anger for the last half of the ride. I periodically asked myself whether it was wise to keep being mindful, because the anger was so uncomfortable. I noted aversion to the anger. I did continue being mindful. The anger dissipated within about 30 seconds after I got off the bus.

10pm 45 minutes noting in bed. Toward the end I was really uncomfortable and kept checking the clock. Finally, after a small bout of jerky legs and sleep, I ended the sitting 2 minutes before the bell.