7:15 a.m. Set timer for 20 minutes, but stayed another 5 because it was so pleasant. Sure seemed that I went from A&P to dukkha to equanimity. This sitting seemed to fit the definition of equanimity more than any sitting I've previously had. I shifted from having many thoughts and feeling like I was battling them, to having very few and wispy thoughts, sometimes noting pleasure, and frequently noting "peace". It felt spacious. Common notes were tingling, craving (there was still craving for attainment, for a cessation), thinking, hearing, tingling, pleasure, expanding (in-breath), releasing (out-breath), hearing. Would love to have continued.
This moment, as I write, I simultaneously feel a lot of pleasure and a lot of aversion (towards anger triggered by the sound of Eric eating cereal in the other room).
As I did yesterday (but didn't log), making it a firm priority today to attend to my emotions regarding work. As yesterday, noticed terror about approaching work and the workplace. I view it as a place of chaos and potential arbitrary punishment. As I wrote to A in a letter yesterday, "I arrive at work every day feeling nervous, energized, optimistic -- I leave every day feeling depleted, shut down, ashamed ... As I walked to work I saw that I felt very childlike and scared -- and that I viewed my work as a place where I was given impossibly complicated challenges, no time or support to complete them successfully, and threat of severe punishment if I fail. And it was clear that this view of work is an echo of un-remembered childhood experiences." I see the same today. It is already a success that now, 20 minutes after arrival and having embarked upon a work task, I am still aware of the fear.
Still feeling a lot of pleasure.
3:30 pm Not much formal meditation today, but great success at noticing fear and aversion at work, and giving space to those emotions (rather than suppressing them or allowing them to snowball).
Beth sent a reassuring email saying that not everyone notices cessations after stream entry.
Evening: three emotional hours with Eric. Another employee quit. He was very angry. I reacted. Finally, we talked.
30 minutes noting before bed.
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