Haven't taken the time to write in a few days.
Today, 6:50 a.m. 45 minutes seated silent noting. Fairly pleasant; didn't really want to get up. After a while, seemed that I was solidly in the present. The word "solid", though, has an incorrect connotation, because at these times it seems there is almost nothing there. When I am "solidly in the present", my mind has stopped stretching sensations out into successive moments by pondering them or connecting them to previous or anticipated sensations. This has happened occasionally in recent sittings, and I can encourage it by trying.
As I write about it, it seems like a huge step forward, to have such experiences. Yet my thinking about my practice continues to have content such as, "I can't really be making progress in my practice. This is too good to be happening to the pathetic likes of me. I'll believe it when something unmistakable and dramatic happens, such as a path moment." But probably when a path moment occurs, I won't believe that, either!
Life in general is pretty good, with plenty of enjoyment along with the ever present background dukkha. When I ask myself, "where do I suffer the most?", I think, "anxiety about whether I am performing well enough on my job." Yesterday I the sensations in my right torso and neck were really strong and uncomfortable, and I couldn't concentrate on my work. So I meditated for 40 minutes.
Met with my teacher Beth on Wednesday. She said she thinks I'm in Re-observation, the tenth stage. This felt really encouraging (though I tried to suppress feeling encouraged). She said that the earlier dukkha nanas such as fear, misery, and disgust probably passed really quickly for me some time ago. After talking to Beth I felt motivated to practice more intensively, including in daily life. She said that it doesn't matter so much what my mind does, on or off the cushion, as long as I note it.
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