4am Awoke to a strong sense of anatta. I liked it and tried for more in a semi-wakeful state, tried to pre-empt my mind from attaching a sense of self to perceptions. This trying was a little successful at first, but then frustrating. I slipped into a dream where I flew with Eric to Asia, where he was dropping me off for a month-long retreat. We met Shaila there. I was anxious to talk to her as much as possible before the retreat in order to learn customs and strategies for coping. At the retreat center I saw that Elizabeth Walkup and Marianne Mueller were also there. And I visited my brother Paul, who had been institutionalized for mental illness. I was sad that he was going to spend another 40 years of life without mental clarity.
5:50 45 minutes noting. Did not begin in crisp "A&P" state, and perhaps never got there. A lot of aversion and craving. Also sleepiness, hearing, rocking, anguish, expanding. Noticed that expanding (the in-breath) was pleasant and tried to note "pleasure". The pleasure was so fleeting, and it seemed that when I noted it, the following sadness or aversion or tension was particularly strong.
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