7:30 a.m. 30 minutes seated meditation. I employed a very, very relaxed noting, often letting minutes pass without any noting at all. I began with a choice to spend a few minutes just noticing (but not noting) how I was feeling. There was a lot of sadness and anxiety. On my mind was a conversation yesterday with Tempel Smith during which, after I mentioned I had experienced trauma as an infant, he spoke at length about how trauma affects one's progress in both samadhi and vipassana practice, and how it must be acknowledged dealt with. (He mentioned somatic therapy, which is what I'm practicing with Trip, my psychotherapist.) This conversation helped me feel OK about straying from strict noting practice, at least on occasion, and giving myself gentle, compassionate attention, even though such attention may not directly lead to insight into anicca, anatta, and dukkha.
During the sitting, I gave special attention to the clenching that immediately follows whenever I notice that I've "misbehaved" (e.g., let my mind wander) or whenever I choose something myself without following the instructions of authority. This clenching happened a few times, and each time, rather than simply note "clenching", I gave attention to the clenching until it released into sadness.
I arose from the sitting with a lingering cloud of sadness.
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