6:45am One hour seated whispered noting. Initially, my mind was busy chewing over some sad news I'd just received, and making plans to move forward. Thinking, clinging, craving. I noted tension in the right throat/torso related to this news, and aversion to the tension. Just a couple minutes into the sitting I did "relax-for-2-to-5-seconds" three times to let go of some of this tension, but I didn't note that I was doing it because it seemed complicated and hard to do so, and would have required even more thinking. The relaxing helped somewhat, but I still had (and noted) thinking, sadness, tension, aversion. Instead of alternating 5 minutes of leg motion with 5 minutes of stillness, I just, every 10 minutes or so, remembered to move my legs (remembering), intended to move them (intending)[didn't actually note remembering/intending but write them here as note to self for future] -- and, then, immediately felt sadness to the point of almost weeping. I would then kick my legs back and forth for about a minute (moving, rubbing, stretching) and found this pleasant (pleasure) at the same time that I continued to feel sad (sadness). I was somewhat averse to the sadness but didn't think to note it. I was content to meditate today and was not anxious for the period to be over.
Curious that I would feel sadness simply at the thought of moving my body.
9am Meditated while pretending to listen to proteomics talks. I had good concentration, given the circumstances. I was noting 'shame' and "aversion" a lot for a general "bad" feeling in my belly, some combination of physical and mental phenomena. Then after 20 or 30 minutes I switched out of noting and into simply directing loving attention to the area. Gradually, the physical and mental became distinct, and I could see that the mental was an idea that I was bad and would be punished somehow with regard to my belly. The tightness of the shame loosened a little.
3pm Met with Beth Resnick-Folk. She said, "It seems like things have been quite interesting lately. On July 13 you wrote about a sense of dropping with nothing to hold onto. I think that might have been stream entry." Wow, could it really? It was indeed extraordinary, but it seemed I retained my sense of self throughout the (two seconds of) that experience. And my experience of living doesn't feel distinctly different since then. I still awaken in the morning with anxiety, still feel depleted at the end of the work day, still am so protective of my ego that I hold myself back from many, many bold actions simply because they might, just might, result in somebody saying some little thing that might hurt. Nevertheless, I enjoy that Beth thinks I may have attained stream entry, and just spent a half hour re-reading my blog (as she predicted I would) and also reading about stream entry on Kenneth's site. I asked Beth whether I should do anything different to take advantage of the review stage. She said no. In particular, she said that making resolutions can backfire, so she doesn't recommend it.
4:45 pm Set timer for one hour, but stopped after 30 minutes because I remembered I need a nap before going to the theater tonight. Whispered noting. Kicked legs; associated sadness was much less than earlier today. Thinking related to meeting with Beth. Some tension in right side, but kind of rounded and not terribly unpleasant. Sleepiness, pleasure, expanding, pressure, aversion, tingling, pulsing, hunger, rocking, craving.
Midnight: 40 minutes noting before sleeping. Meditation felt urgent; I really wanted to do it. I partly wanted to see whether my meditation experience now would support the hypothesis that I've attained stream entry. I wanted to see whether I'd have further cessation experiences. I didn't.
During the early part of the night I had a vivid dream where I was making diligent effort toward further attainments. In the dream there was something like magic particles that I harnessed, and I had a buddy who may have been Zarina whom I was trying to bring along with me. There was a sense of adventure and excitement and achievement, and toward the end of the dream I or we had indeed attained the second thing! I was full of joy. I awakened in a state of mild bliss with mild visual effects (swirling grid patterns and others). I sometimes relaxed into the bliss, sometimes noted the sensations (though lazily), and sometimes tested the bliss by bringing a disturbing thought into my mind. The disturbing thoughts were more intensely disturbing than normal. I was reminded of ecstasy experiences. After some time, the bliss degraded into something kind of unpleasant, and I went back to sleep.
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