Log 08/06/13

8 am: Last night Eric returned from a week in Columbia (competing in orienteering at the World Games). At bedtime we re-enacted a drama that we are very prone to re-enact at bedtime -- it comes up maybe half the time. This time, right afterward, we approached each other and spoke about our thoughts and feelings in a non-accusatory way for the first time. It was very nice. During the morning's session with Trip, I went more deeply into a memory of telling an adult standing in my doorway, "I am not going to do what you say." I felt proud to be big enough to say that. I saw echoes of this long-ago experience in my experience last night ("I'm going to go to bed when I want to; I'm not going to do what you want; it's OK for me to do what I want and to have my own space") and this allowed me to have more objectivity about it.

This morning on my way to work I made a commitment to (a) not indulge thoughts that I am not a worthy employee,  not an effective worker, not a good scientist, etc., and (b) to repeatedly consider, throughout the day, the notion that I am a worthy employee, an effective worker, and a good scientist. Just a minute of this practice brings up anger, sadness, sleepiness, nausea, and fear with adrenalin, a sense of the heart pounding, and suppressed breathing. I want to either fight, or retreat in defeat (go home or go to sleep).

5:30 pm: Eric wants me to go with him this evening to both the Canlis card giveaway gathering and our block party. I resisted, thinking, "there is no time for me," even though, as Eric pointed out, doing this sort of thing together with him is exactly the kind of thing I really enjoy doing. I told him that I don't like to pack my evenings full.

I reflected on the feeling of resistance. Behind it is this thought: "Other people always want me to do things that take me away from me. If I don't say no a lot of the time, I am never going to have time to be kind to myself. It is essential to say no a lot of the time, otherwise people will take all my time away from me."

And behind that is the assumption that every single person on the planet is in a battle with me: they want whatever goodies I have, they are indifferent to what will actually benefit me, and they will work hard to persuade me to give them my goodies (i.e. my time).