Working from home today -- against the rules, without permission. Fear. Taking a break every 25 minutes using FocusBooster; talking to inner child during break. Feeling fear, sadness, anger ... and a sense that I am going to be clobbered from above me and to the right ... and the gnawing, juicy desire in the right jaw. Mom's looking angry above me and to my right. "Why don't you do as you're told?!!!" I am so, so angry! I clench my jaw. Something pleasurable in the upper right throat. I think of pushing her away, but I resist it. What is behind the resistance? I slowly raise my arms to make the pushing motion, attentive to how it feels. As my hand reach waist height, nausea arises. Chest height -- sadness, sleepiness. I am about to push away the person I most desire!!! If I do that ... what then???
I want to send this account to my therapist, T. There is no way I can get it to him before our Monday session -- he only accepts postal mail from me at his Everett office Tues-Thurs. I have a fantasy of finding his residence and sending it there. It is a strong drive: I want to find out his address! What is behind that? I want to feel powerful. I am proud of my ability to find information, and I want to use that ability to feel powerful. I believe that knowledge is power. I feel good when I know something inside out, when I know where things are and how to get places. I want to find T's house, go inside, grab him, and own him.
I want to send this account to him because I want to know where I go with this conundrum. In my early childhood, I both hated and desired my mother. OK, here is my answer. Mom couldn't handle my pushing her away. It caused her to retreat forever, in some sense. But most people are more resilient. It is OK to push away what I desire -- it will still be there for me.
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