Log 08/22/13

9:33 a.m. Arrived at work 25 minutes ago. Tidied desk, put lunch in fridge, relaxed over a back roll on the floor, processed email, and read about the Paleo diet (our CSA now offers Paleo shares, presumably omitting potatoes and legumes).

Have felt angry since yesterday 4pm, when Eric and I shared a meal and I fixated on the unpleasant fact that Eric had just arrived for the workday and would leave shortly to go to an event at Z's workplace. Eric is supposedly here at ISB to develop a new career, but it appears to me that he has been spending fewer and fewer hours here, and lots of time doing recreational things.

As I wrote the previous paragraph, I once again became fixated on this topic. I wrote and rewrote an additional sentence describing Eric's activities, then deleted it.

My best guess is that this anger is a manifestation of my continued awakening. Yesterday morning I had a session with my psychotherapist, T, during which I stayed quite connected to my experience, including feelings of anger. As the weeks go by, I am increasingly aware of the finer details of my experience, and increasingly able to let go -- to notice when I am about to grasp, and to then choose not to. This makes life ordinary and amazing at the same time. Ordinary, in that the external details of my life are quite ordinary, and I face many ordinary challenges on both the macro and micro levels, and I continue to worry, feel frustrated, and suffer. Amazing, in that I am coming closer and closer in contact with what is actually happening, and each new step is immensely fascinating and satisfying. Every week or two, I hear, read, or remember something that helps, that I am ready to hear. Lately I have been finding a new freedom from identification with thought. It's more possible for me to observe and let go of thoughts, to not believe them. And a new ability to recognize when the ego is creating thought to defend itself, and an awareness of how effortful and painful that is--but, simultaneously, a knowledge that I can't stop it, that the skillful thing to do is to just observe it.

Now I am struggling with how to approach my work day. I have 6.5 hours until I need to leave. I have a manuscript to re-organize. This is something I'd typically enjoy, and I can imagine enjoying it. Looking inside right now, I see ...

shame about my anger toward Eric; a sense that I must rectify the situation
sadness about the above
tiredness
happiness; recognition that I am safe and comfortable in this moment
sadness, sleepiness
I don't know what to do
I don't know how to help myself
I really want to make progress on this manuscript so that I can be perfect and finally rest

10:27 Still haven't worked on manuscript. I feel embarrassed about this and want to pretend it hasn't happened. I spent about 15 minutes writing the above, then another half hour listing ideas for increasing workplace wellness at ISB and sending to two co-workers.