12:29 pm Have been working fairly continuously since I arrived at 10:30. At 9am psychotherapy session, worked with being present for feelings of desire/creativity/aliveness. Was tough. Now, experiencing greater tolerance for these feelings and am feeling them continuously as I work. This feeling comes with a trio of other feelings: excitement, fear, and sadness. Sometimes it's very hard not to distract myself from all this emotion. It feels dangerous to stay with it. But I know enough now that the right thing to do is to stay! Seems I should be excited to be growing in this way. But that kind of meta-excitement is the equivalent of hope, and perhaps that's just too much for me to bear at this point. (I did feel a little of that on my walk from the bus to work.)
12:52 Just clarified something with Zhi. Successful. Now that we agree I can proceed to further perfect her code. Urge to distract self! Fear of accomplishment!
Bombing of finish line at Boston Marathon.
2:41 Have continued to feel desire, excitement, fear and sadness all day! I hope this is a good thing! At times it is tempting to retreat into sexual fantasy.
3:27 Still feeling the excitement! Not so much sadness or fear. Oh! probably because I ate a chocolate chocolate chip cookie a couple of hours ago. Kinda wish I hadn't done that.
5:53 Time to go home. What a lovely day! Almost never distracted myself! Just kept going like the Energizer bunny!
Postscript: it was easy to leave work that evening and I wasn't left with a lingering "yuk" feeling.
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