9:50 a.m. Staying in touch today with sense of volition, energy, interest, aliveness... not sure what best word is for it. Its constant companion is fear. And sometimes sadness and sleepiness.
10:00 a.m. Giving compassionate attention to the child that was sad. Incredulity that my psyche could be maturing. Not only incredulity--resistance. On some level, I do not want it. Why? It implies change, both on the macro level (I am becoming a different person) and on the micro level (the mature psyche allows perception of constant change). If nothing stays the same, if there is no security ... how can life be enjoyed? Noticing notion that enjoyment comes from fulfilled desires or expectations, that it cannot come from riding a constant roller coaster of unpredictable events. The notion of a constant roller coaster evokes fear, overwhelm, urge to retreat and take cover.
4:15 pm I think I've tightened around that sense of volition as I've gotten (pleasantly and productively) absorbed in some coding work.
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