For decades, I've awoken with an aimless dread. Over the years I've learned, first, to not let my mind spin out looking for something that's actually wrong in the present, and second, to soften and let go of the dread through meditation. This morning I applied my new skills at inner child dialoging to investigate the dread. Amazing things arose:
Me: What are you afraid of?
Child: Something so dark that it's dangerous to even remember. Don't even bother trying. It's better to pretend that it never happened. It just happened last night. Everyone knows that I did it. But if we pretend that it didn't happen at all, others will also pretend. They will know in their hearts that I did it, and they will know that I'm disgusting. But they will pretend I didn't do it, and then I'll be safe.
(This came out over the course of 10-15 minutes of gentle attention to the sensations of dread, and repeated asking of the question.)
Me: What happened that's so dangerous to remember? Can I see?
Child: <Familiar feeling of craving in the mouth arises, a sucking/chewing motion. I am chewing really really hard on an adult finger on the right side of my mouth., and sucking on it. I feel deep craving.>
Me: Why are you letting me know?
Child: I know you won't tell anybody.
Me: The sensations that initially felt like fear now feel like mostly craving.
Child: I still want to do it. But I will never, never, never do it again.
This took about 20 minutes. I wanted to continue, but I wanted more to write it down. As I write it, though, it seems like something that will not slip away from my memory. It seems like something I could recall at any time, just by touching into this dread.
The voice didn't give me the impression of an infant voice. More like a 6 year old. But not even that. Like a caricature of a 6 year old.
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