I'd been feeling like my spiritual development had stalled (for just maybe a couple weeks). Was feeling a lot of stress, was not comfortable doing inner child / trauma recovery work. Last couple of days returned to noting as my primary practice. Yesterday was reading Adyashanti's "The End of Your World" offering advice to those who have had a taste of enlightenment but are not fully enlightened. Felt it wasn't really speaking to me, that whatever he considered a taste of enlightenment, I didn't have. But I think something he wrote did speak to some part of me, a part of me that responded in the middle of the night last night. I awoke and felt some kind of discomfort, some very usual common discomfort. I noticed that I was about to respond with a habitual pushing away, a habitual clinging to how I thought things ought to be: I ought to be at ease, I ought to be sleeping. And then I remembered Adyashanti and I flowed with what was. And I did this over and over again for a couple of hours. I was very gratified to see something new and experience a new freedom. But later I felt a bit weary; the process seemed effortful and I wished to relax. I continued with it anyway until I did happen to fall asleep. Some of what I flowed with was the energy that produces my Restless Legs Syndrome jerkiness. It seemed that there were sensations I normally resist, and that the resistance is what produces the extreme discomfort and jerkiness. As I went through all of this, I thought, "Aren't I special, to be moving forward like this." and "It's a good thing I'm learning this before I become old and infirm." There was a mosquito and I relaxed into being with her and allowing her to bite me. I wasn't totally OK with this, but pretty OK. After a while I was less OK. During this session I also found the long-held tensions in the right belly and jaw slowly unwinding.
Went back to sleep and awoke again around 7 or 8. Read some more Adyashanti to wake up. Noticed a resistance to his instruction to investigate any sense of division until you get to the bottom of it. Now, this is something I actually do all the time in my inner work, but reading him suggest it brought up a sense of resistance. Habit said to ignore this, but I decided to investigate it. Over about a half hour of inquiry into the feeling behind, "No! I won't do what you say," I found myself in a child state I've visited many times before, but perhaps a little deeper into it. The state seems consistent with an experience of being orally raped or molested, of being powerless to stop it, and of feeling utterly at sea with nobody coming to help me. The words "please help me" came to mind. I used a dog chew to follow urges to chew in my right jaw. I found myself gagging. After experiencing this as fully as possible for maybe 10 minutes, I shifted toward hugging myself and offering myself compassion. In the past this has felt dry. Today I noticed the inner child talking back: "Yeah, right. Don't try to comfort me. Forget it. Just go away. You're of no use. Leave me alone." Makes sense. Of course I don't know if I was ever orally raped or molested, but I do hold a powerful resistance to even considering the possibility. My mind is comfortable with "it didn't happen" and "it happens to everyone", but not with "it happened to me."
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