Log 06/18/13

Committing to staying with myself today. Getting work done is not more important than staying with myself.

10:39 When checking in with myself this morning, I've found huge, undirected anxiety. "Panicking ... don't know what to do ... not good enough ... I'm bad, I'm wrong ... overwhelming ... too much ... can only try to keep head above water ... I'm not doing this right because nothing is happening, nothing is changing ..."

10:50 "This is useless ... better to just keep working." I feel sadness, tension in my chest throat (that opens a little even as I write about it), pleasure/craving in the right jaw ... "I'm sad. There's nothing to be done." Hearing the ventilation system. "Want to get away. Not OK to stay here." Even just thinking about keeping this journal brings a strong and immediate reaction from the superego--"this is not what you're supposed to be doing!"

10:59 Tension ... sadness ... sigh ... "I'm afraid of being discovered" Don't want to shift my attention back to my work. Let's see if I can keep attention on self while working ... at least until the next alarm in 9 minutes.

11:10 Saw the alarm ... felt sad to immediately leave my work ... and sleepy! "This is a waste of time" ... ventilation system sounds ... anger at co-worker's sneeze ... "I am angry ... and sad." Noticing right shoulder tensing forward; consciously relaxing it back. Sadness. Time to get back to work. "Didn't get anything done attending to self." Also--I didn't keep attention on self during previous 9 minutes. Not at all.

11:22 Re-read the email I sent a week ago to the Esse family on Mom's dementia. Dianne had thanked me for my "sensitive" email so I wanted to read it again to remind myself of how sensitive I had been. Reading it, it sounded very sensitive, but underneath I noticed a rock-solid belief that it was really insensitive. While reading this, didn't worry at all that I was wasting my time, even though this activity was much more a waste of time than being with myself.

11:30 So wrenching to tear myself away from my work each time. Sleepy ... nauseous ... "I'm surely not doing this right. Nothing is changing!" (even though the nausea is new!) I have to keep remembering the craftiness of the superego, denying reality at every turn. This is worthwhile. Things are changing.

11:50 More slight nausea ... feel like I'm in the center of a storm

11:56 Completed first task of the day (making 3 PASSEL experiments public) ... took about an hour. "No! don't want to be done! Now I'm getting put back out in the cold! No safety!" Sadness ... nausea ... "I didn't really do anything. I didn't do anything at all!" But I did do that! I did it! I did it, and I did a fine job!! What does that feel like?

12:27 Spent about 12 minutes in the quiet room investigating this. Really hard & uncomfortable. The resistance to acknowledging accomplishment felt impenetrable. "I didn't do it! I didn't do anything!!" Then, "He made me do it! I had to do it! It wasn't my idea at all! It was all his idea, he made me do everything down to the last detail!!!" Wanted to punched. Punched in slow motion with right hand, then swept extended arm back. Repeated several times. So much intense feeling, seemingly with nowhere to go. Anger. It's such hard work to stay with myself. In the moment, it feels so unrewarding. I'll just keep with it for just this day. I imagine getting over some kind of hump.

1:01 Sad ... nauseous ... angry! I don't want to feel this way! Anger. "Don't put me down! Leave me alone! Let me do what I want to do, what I need to do! You have no idea!" Vision of Uncle ____ above me and to my right. I despise him. My head turns all the way to the right. Boy, this is hard. I hope I am rewarded by feeling more grounded when I leave work ... 5 hours from now ... aaack, so far away!

1:17 Just zoned out in email for a while ... now, will eat lunch. After feeling angry at Uncle ____ again. <later> Found 2 of those add-on pencil erasers in the office supply room. Put one on a pencil and bit down hard. It breaks.

1:46 Ate lunch. Was less meticulous about avoiding waste than usual (allowed egg white to come off when I peeled my hard-boiled egg; put the shells in the trash instead of the compost). Wiped inside of tupperware with napkin; flashed to Mom wiping poop off of something -- baby Paul's butt? My attitude about getting through this day of mindfulness is one of grim determination rather than delight.

2:12 Destroyed one pencil eraser. It does feel good.

2:24 Aaaack, I don't want to do this!!! Pulsing, sadness, sleepiness ... Why don't you want to do this? "I am with my tormentor. I am angry. I want to kill .... but I can't." I am at loggerheads.

3:43 How did well over an hour pass without my checking in? Well ... I talked to Eric on the phone. Then I researched chew toys. I think rawhide dog chews will work well! Then I finished my first PASSEL load and tested it. Then, I read some emails, including one from cousin D. agreeing to participate in further genetic testing. Then wrote to cousin J asking her if she would participate as well.

3:50 Slight nausea, pulsing, sleepiness. I intentionally turn my attention to Uncle _____. I want my chew toy now!

4:21 Just spent 28 minutes being interviewed for my long term care insurance application. Tomato, children, floor, tree, secretary, radio, shoe, eagle, knee. I didn't remember the tenth word.

4:52 Immediately directed my mind toward Uncle ______. Rage. One delightful benefit of this work is that I do not feel any anxiety about the work I am doing for my job. Annoyance, anger -- yes. (I am very annoyed that I have to once again use this arcane recipe for creating a PASSEL reviewer login.) Anxiety -- no.

5:17 Just realized it's time to jam out of here. At that moment, I realized that I did have work anxiety, because the familiar feeling of yuck came over me, the feeling I usually have at the end of the work day that I failed, that I did not accomplish what I set out to do, that I didn't do enough. Boo!!!