12:22pm Awoke this morning with usual fear. Thought about how impaired by anxiety I am in my work, felt sad and ANGRY. Keeping in touch with the feeling of anger all day since then. So uncomfortable. But this is the life force moving within me, my motivation, my creativity ... this is IT, my aliveness, the thing I had in mind when, 20 years ago during a co-counseling session, I touched into the early hurts and cried out, "They took my life away from me!" That life ... is here, now, right at the surface ... it is here, it is back! after years of hard work I am engaged in reclaiming it! It feels SO darn uncomfortable, so dangerous ... I cannot imagine where it will lead, I am afraid of where it will lead. I want to quit at every moment, to have an ice cream, to visit the Museum of History and Industry, to check Facebook, to do what others tell me to do.
Carrying on ...
1:22pm Seeing my script run without error after making a change ... a feeling of excitement wells up in me, but not the kind I am used to and enjoy ... a kind that is VERY uncomfortable ... I try to allow it, to experience it, as fully as possible ... a tightness and quivering in my throat tells me that something wants to be expressed vocally ... sleepiness ... I carry on with faith that this is leading someplace good, but right now it does not feel that good. However, it does in some sense feel better than the usual anxiety and vague bad feeling.
Before I got this far into my inner work, I used to read about how uncomfortable it can be to fully experience previously repressed emotions. I couldn't imagine it feeling this uncomfortable. I imagined that it would mostly feel exhilarating. Well, it doesn't.
1:35pm Mild right abdominal ache ... aching in the lower throat, becomes throbbing with attention ... desire ...
6:53 Worked steadily throughout day. This big feeling of anger/aliveness has subsided -- I feel "normal" now. I feel somewhat fatigued ... tired of working, yet still working productively ... feel fine about what I accomplished today ... wonder whether I should leave and enjoy the rest of this summer evening. Haven't had caffeine. Don't feel at all passionate about the big picture of my work.
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