1:53 pm My work is going smoothly and I feel good about it, so I am DRIVEN to keep going. Not to pay attention to the inner child. On some level I know that following the drive to work is folly. It will never lead to satisfaction, not even a mundane worldly satisfaction. I am driven by a fantasy that if I just get this DONE, I can rest because I will receive praise and love and care and all things good. NOT!
The inner child is there in the right chest, clavicle, throat, jaw ... pulsing ... and there is sadness ... and sleepiness.
2:10 As usual, resisting taking time to be with my feelings. This will not get me anywhere! This is the road to nothingness!
2:25 3 or 4 minutes ago, felt a wave of sleepy sinking, a feeling I usually suppress. It came up during the course of my work.
2:54 Interrupting my work every 20 minutes is so hard and unsatisfying. I hope that it pays off at the end of the day. Sleepy ... craving the (dubious) satisfaction of "getting work done". Is this like a drug, like Nic Sheff's methamphetamine addiction?
3:05
3:16 Feels like tearing myself away! However, if I instead went to Facebook, it would not feel this way! Important! It's a little hard to breathe ... I feel sad ... sleepy ... resist feeling more deeply ...
3:37 Feeling a little more comfortable with this tearing-away ... that brings up a little fear!
3:53 During this interlude, I feel slightly as though I am entering a new universe, a new way of being, a different set of priorities. Opened a little more to my feelings ... feeling less constricted.
5:23 I am feeling significantly better, happier, in late afternoon than I usually do!
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