12:36 Have been revising a manuscript on protein inference terminology standards. The work is enjoyable, but feelings of terror have been ever present today. Very strong! As soon as I read a single sentence, I feel excitement, then fear in the next fraction of a second. I hope that this is progress. I have taken occasional breaks to pay close attention to these feelings, to try to have patience and "mercy" (to use T's word) for them, to try to have curiosity about them. It is really hard--I constantly battle the idea that it's useless, dangerous, folly to spend time in this way! I try to ground myself by noticing that everything is actually OK in the present, that I am safe. I try to notice parts of my body that do not have terror sensations: primarily my legs, and where my body meets the chair. I reflect on the one moment in recent memory when everything actually felt OK, the moment right after emerging from 2 months at the Forest Refuge where I thought, "There is nothing I have to do. And I can choose to do anything." Remarkably, none of these efforts has so far provided significant ease when I am facing the terror.
2:17 Just ate lunch. Also have consumed 2 chocolate truffles: chocolate generally eases my anxiety, and, indeed, I don't experience the sensations of anxiety as debilitating right now. Just pulsing, throbbing, sadness, pleasure, sleepiness.
2:21 Noticed that I was nearly done editing this manuscript. Panic arose.
3:56 Just hit "send" on the email that transmits my edited document to the co-authors. Intense feelings that I want to suppress: panic, fear, sadness, sleepiness, want to hide, want to disappear, want to rest and be safe, want to give up. Ashamed, embarrassed. Desperate to keep up, to be good enough. Tired, don't want to keep going. Someone is going to attack me from the right. Somebody is going to yell at me. It's hard to breathe. I should be over this by now. I have to keep going. Can't think about what I just did. It's certainly a piece of s___. It certainly doesn't count for a damned thing. Would like to just curl up with a good book and get lost. At the same time, I hope that the co-authors read it right away and are stunned by its brilliance. Is it the infant/toddler who is afraid, and the young girl (age 4-10) who hopes for praise? I keep thinking I should stop writing and just pay attention to the feelings, to dialog with them, to invite them to the party (as T says), to make space for them, to be curious about them. I will go down to the movement room to do just that.
4:53 I'm back. Just didn't feel up to attending to these feelings, so meditated instead. Some noting, and some inquiry: "Who thinks there's something wrong?" "Who dislikes?"
5:41 Researched homes for Mom past 45 minutes. Discouraging. Hundreds of possibilities, none looks perfect on paper (would like dementia care plus skilled nursing in same facility, but only one in San Mateo County -- in Portola Valley), agencies can't recommend but can only provide lists, looked up the two recommended by Clarence in yelp and both had truly horrible reviews. When I see a horrible review of a restaurant, I can easily dismiss it as the rantings of a crankosaurus, but a bad review of an eldercare home is more likely to reflect something truly bad.
5:51 OK, biting the bullet, checking out these feelings (have been doing so for 5 minutes already). Fear ... melting into sadness and sleepiness ... same old same old this is never going to end! (welcome, despair!) ... Sadness so deep, afraid to feel it all ... (welcome, fear of sadness!) Nausea, gagging, quivering, pleasure all at the same time in the right throat ... wanting to push away with both arms ... pursing my lips, grimacing ... noticing that I'm in a public place (my desk at work), wondering whether to move to the quiet room ... but I want to be in a public place, even as I'm worried I'll be noticed. The tension in the right abdomen softens ... there is tingling in the genitals ... still grimacing and pushing away ... rocking gently to massage the tense place in the abdomen ... brings pleasure ... but pleasure seems like bad news! ... <interlude to write a few emails> ... continuing to rock, feet now kicking back and forth, lips pursed, arms pushing against arms of chair ... continue to feel comforted that there are people around even though I continue to feel a bit anxious I'll be discovered ... fear only 10% what it was ... all tensions softened ... this is the real deal, anxieties about present circumstances are 90% reflections of this core beingness! 6:23 relaxation, ease, contentment ... encounter with janitorial staff, wondered if my current state of being would make the interaction less awkward, would magically melt the barrier between middle class and working class. It didn't seem to. ... Fear is still 10% of what it was. Why is it gone? ... 6:41 still rocking, kicking, pushing ... now feeling craving in the mouth, lips, right throat ... and a desperation ... 6:53 desire in the right jaw, the right belly, desperate yearning ...
You know, I've noticed during the past several months that whether I'm doing this kind of work solo, or with Eric ... or whether I'm doing formal noting meditation ... it seems to take about 45 minutes for the fear to ease. I wonder how this relates to the nanas (stages of insight) -- one is supposed to cycle through the nanas throughout one's day after attaining stream entry. Possibly my base state is now somewhere in the dark night (Beth mentioned "desire for deliverance" in my meeting with her last week) and it takes 45 minutes to reach equanimity. Would like to mention this to Kenneth and others on my life retreat.
No comments:
Post a Comment