Hands down, the worst thing about my job is that I constantly think I'm not measuring up. As I've posted before, I usually leave the office feeling unhappy. The unhappiness has words like, "I didn't get anything done. I don't like what I'm doing. I spent half the day struggling with something that should have been easy. I don't have a knack for proteomics. I'm a lousy programmer." All of this, however--even most of the "I don't like what I'm doing"--boils down to thinking I'm not measuring up.
Last night I felt I'd had it with feeling bad about my job and complained bitterly to Eric that I wasn't getting any help with this. He offered to talk. The first thing he said was, "Let's start with the fact that you are good at your work. I have no doubt that you are. Whether you enjoy it or are satisfied with it is another matter."
I reflected for a moment, then said, "90% of my unhappiness stems from thinking I'm not good."
I just spent 20 minutes in the quiet room telling myself, "You are good at your work," then noticing the strong discomfort that arose and trying to characterize it. It had many facets, which I shall list below:
Shut up! You don't know what it's like! You don't know about all the hell I went through as a young person, everyone telling me that I wasn't good enough. Just shut up!
If it's true that I'm good enough, then I have to stop trying to fix my flaws. And that's a project to which I've devoted a lot of effort for decades. I'm not going to give that up! Don't tell me that I was wrong to try to fix myself! Goddamn it, don't tell me I was wrong!!!
I want you to know what I've been through! I can't just let it go! I went through hell! Don't tell me that the people who told me I wasn't good enough were wrong! If they were, that makes me an idiot for believing them! So angry, so angry, so angry ... and there's nothing I can do to fix the past! There's nothing I could have done and there's nothing I can do now. So don't tell me to just forget about it!
Don't tell me I was wrong!
Didn't know where to go from there.
Today, over a year later, reviewed this post and felt renewed inspiration to keep telling myself I am good at my work, and to keep feeling the resulting anxiety and noticing the resulting thoughts. I have a different job now, but the anxiety is the same in quality and intensity.
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