Dream: There was an orienteering "A-meet" I was not attending. I made plans to meet up with a few of the orienteers at a location somewhat distant from the meet site. Rick Breseman, a couple of middle-aged women, others. They talked about how, at this meet, it was hard to find any kind of enjoyable activity outside of the orienteering. We talked about different routes to get places. I met some youngish women, one or two, whom I found attractive and who expressed interest in orienteering; we exchanged phone numbers and I felt some anxiety about how these relationships would proceed. We were in a large room, maybe it was a convention. Some non-orienteers were there. A couple of youngish black men kept trying to overpower me. It was in sort of a friendly way but in also a menacing way, some weird in-between thing. It was kind of like practice-self-defense, but also not practice. I kept fighting and one of my main strategies was biting the men's hands really hard with my back teeth. I would bite hard, but then back off, thinking, "if I keep biting I am really going to mangle this guy's hands". I also thought, "This is such an effective way to inflict pain, why don't people use it more often?" I was frightened but also not. We orienteers piled into a gigantic bus with no seats, just a large platform covered in thick carpet. It was the only vehicle available at the rental car place. Rick drove us on a curvy road and I held on to the thick carpet pile. It was a fun ride; somehow I had no trouble with carsickness.
Had tea yesterday. Awoke this morning without dread.
7am 20 minutes inner child work, sitting on my meditation cushion.
1pm 30 minutes seated silent noting. I tried to notice the nanas. Maybe I saw them. At first, meditation seemed crisp but "ordinary" -- 1st nana? Then, perceptions flowed past me, each its own distinct and fleeting impression -- 4th nana? Then, maybe noticed more aversion than before. Then, a distinct shift, and I my experience was ahead of me, flowing past too fast for me to notice anything. Maybe this is the "noticing the ends of things" -- characteristic of the dukkha nanas. Then, the bell rang. I felt like I was awakening from a state of partial sleep. Didn't notice a lot of sadness or sleepiness. Lots of craving, pulsing.
5pm Session with Kenneth Folk. Gained confidence I could recognize the major nanas; he guided me through equanimity/4th jhana. We talked about my experience leading to stream entry & how I didn't notice extra suffering in the 3rd nana or the dukkha nanas. Also talked about how meditation and psychological work can fit together in one framework (a ladder of increasingly conceptual mind functions). I described, in more detail than before, what happens during my inner child work: that I use strong concentration to tune into physical-emotional states, then inquire of the inner child about the states ("Why are you afraid?") and wait for the answer to arise from the mind in the form of words, images, or impressions. And that, then, I continue to stay tuned into the physical-emotional states as they change in response to the inquiry, and continue the inquiry based upon that.
After making and eating dinner, felt fatigued. Then, 60-90 minutes later, felt physically a bit more energized but emotionally vulnerable. I think it was a caffeine crash from having had tea the day before and the day before that, but, typically, this explanation didn't cross my mind for quite some time. I just noticed suddenly that I was feeling unsafe with E and Z, that (it seemed) I was constantly needing to curtail angry reactions to benign things, such as Z's trying to organize food for our weekend excursion, and E's playful comments on the Krank adventure race map. I went to the attic to dialog with my inner child, but found myself with poor concentration and falling into semi-sleep. Finally, at 11pm, I went to bed.
2:30am Awoke after sleeping restlessly, with frequent spells of bodily anatta (moving my limbs without a sense that "I" was doing it). It dawned on me why this anatta is discombobulating, even as it's a sign of increased meditative insight: it throws off the feedback loop that allows one to decide what action to take next, or whether one's actions are safe and appropriate. I also felt angry and slightly nauseous. Eric wasn't in bed and I used that fact as a target for my anger. I had an unfamiliar mixture of mental/bodily discomforts and couldn't get a handle on what was really happening: was I dehydrated? (had already drunk way more water than usual the night before) Sick? Going through some emotional opening? Got up to express anger to Eric and write this.
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