Fear of getting someone to do what I want

I have been trying to organize a project that requires the cooperation of certain specific individuals. If they do not participate, the project will not go forward. And the project is important to me.

I wrote to the individuals. Two responded immediately that they were in. The third did not respond for several days, and this person was the one I most feared may not want to participate.

Today I see in my inbox that this person is also agreeing. I am afraid. I see a void in front of me. I imagine that this person is angry at me: I tell myself the story that I have coerced them, even blackmailed them, and they utterly despise me for backing them into this corner. They see my true colors.

There is some truth to this story. This project has become more important to me than the well being of the individuals involved. I have not been reflecting on their well being in more than a superficial way. I feel guilty about that.

But let me offer myself some compassion. In recent weeks, this has begun with, "I don't know how to offer myself compassion". I begin with this today. As the guilt softens, I see that my asking these people to participate has been a most ordinary request, not a criminal act. And that my lack of compassion for the would-be participants is, although not ideal, most ordinary and forgivable.

Yet I still do not want to read the entirety of this email. I do not want to read a message from someone who might reflect back to me my blind greed and manipulatory tendencies. Perhaps if I reflect on these myself before reading the email ... As I do so, my fear of the email subsides.