Working with the residue of trauma

The tensions I feel on the right side of my body, apparently residue from very early trauma, were strong in my meditation this morning. I continued to be aware of them throughout my morning, and this was unpleasant. In lab meeting I placed most of my attention upon them, hoping to either gain further insight into them or to allow them to relax. As in yesterday's psychotherapy session, they flowered into a strong sense of suckling in the mouth, light feelings of sexual desire in the genitals, and an overall feeling of strong desire for some unknown thing. Today I found myself curling my tongue into a position that then gave me something to suck on that vaguely resembled a nipple; this brought me a bit deeper into the remembering-infancy state. After lab meeting I went to the quiet room to give more space to this process of regression. I had to keep dismissing thoughts of work. Then it dawned on me that the thoughts of work are part of the whole drama: I want to relax, let go, get absorbed in sensuality, but I feel the need to be constantly aware of outside demands in order to avoid severe punishment. Even in the quiet room where I had relative freedom and privacy, where I could indulge nearly any physical urge, I was left with unpleasant tension in the right torso that felt like unfulfilled desire. It was hard to decide to go back to work.