Today (not unlike recent previous days, a slow evolution is happening) a constant pulsing in the right throat. Something more open than usual ... my psyche is allowing instead of constricting ... comes with a slight nausea in the right chest ... waves of pulsing slight nausea (but not so nauseous as to be quite unpleasant). My head bobbing and waving and rocking as it's done since my Sept/Oct retreat (but had never done before then) ... maybe I am re-learning how to be a mammal, how to move spontaneously. More and more I'm allowing myself to respond to things (how my work is going, what people say around me) and observe the response ... keep noticing new ways to open and feel where previously I'd automatically constrict. Always, fear ... but the fear isn't stopping me as it used to ... I keep finding places where I can allow myself to feel, where before fear would stop me.
What an adventure.
I'm somewhat inspired by reading Christopher Titmuss last night, where he said (as many Buddhist and other writers have said) that with mindfulness all of life is an adventure. You can always notice your responses to things.
Lately I've been very sensitive to my officemates throwing things into the trash. Every time I see or hear it, I feel repulsed and I tense up. I suppose I imagine I am being thrown into the trash? Will try to look at the discomfort.
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