3:30 a.m. Woke by alarm. One hour seated meditation. First: 20 minutes vocal noting. Most of the time, near-constant noting of aversion. Noted possible cold symptoms: soreness, heat. Decided to go downstairs to get a drink of water and use the bathroom. Then, another 20 minutes of vocal noting. More unpleasant tension, throbbing, soreness, pressure, nausea. The aversion was excruciating. I hadn't noted aversion as frequently ever before; often, ten consecutive notes of aversion, then, a note of tension, pain, or pressure, then back to aversion. While noting these unpleasant physical sensations, noticed (but no time to vocally note) anxiety at not noting aversion, and craving to get back to noting aversion. Sometimes, "craving, craving, craving" for the aversion to be over. Considered whether I could give myself a break by quitting; told myself that vocal noting was tiring. Finally, decided to try silent noting. Immediate relief from aversion. Completed the hour with silent noting and almost no aversion. Tingling, expansion (breathing in), hearing, rocking, nausea, thinking, planning, anticipating, pressure. Moderate lapses in mindfulness (thinking, dozing/dreaming). Often (both today and usually) I don't note "thinking" until I'm not thinking anymore.
I don't know the difference between unpleasantness and aversion. It seems to me that perhaps I notice aversion without having noticed unpleasantness; that perhaps I don't notice unpleasantness.
No comments:
Post a Comment