I'm going to try using this blog also as a meditation log, and note log entries in the subject line. These entries may be less interesting and less articulate than other entries.
4pm: Sat mindfully with Eric while he prepared for me to work together with him. This took longer than he expected. Strong feelings of fear and anger came up. Excrutiating and paralyzing, as is typical.
6pm: 35 minute run with vocal noting. Beautiful weather contributed to positive attitude for most of run. Noted fear each time I heard human voices or approached a human. For last ~12 minutes of run, mental state shifted to sad/gloomy/angry.
8pm: Set timer for 45 minutes sitting meditation. Intended to do vocal noting the whole time, but felt tired and sleepy and had a sore back after 30 minutes, so switched to metta at that point. After about 10 minutes of vocal noting, I began cycling through sensations of sadness every 90 seconds or so. This is something brand new. I don't usually feel sad, either while sitting or in every day life. My throat quivered a little, my head dropped, a tender feeling developed in my chest, and my voice became weak and high-pitched as I noted, "sadness ... sadness".
After this sitting, I did some stretches to relieve my back while continuing metta practice. Then ...
9pm: About 40 minutes of metta meditation. As usual, various thoughts and sensations distracted me from time to time, but my concentration increased over the sitting period. Tried to be gentle with myself about being distracted. Noticed, as usual, that I felt I didn't deserve good wishes and well-being, and kept telling myself that, yes! indeed! may I be free from terror! May I be filled with lovingkindness!
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