Integration

Life since retreat has been rich and satisfying. There have been many periods of doubt, but mostly my sense is that I'm on a very rewarding path that has just been given a huge boost by 2 months of retreat.

Every day I am very aware of strong sensation in my right torso, neck, and head. Each day it is a little different. Today I'm aware that my head is constantly bobbing and waving, like kelp in the sea, and I wonder whether it appears quite odd. Of course if I make my breathing more shallow and move my awareness away from my body into my head--which is still what I habitually do when in conversation--the motion stops.

Tomorrow I am going on a 3 day retreat at our local Theravadan Buddhist retreat center, Cloud Mountain. It will be taught by Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder, the two who first taught me concentration practice, at the same retreat center, two years ago. Their website talks about what they teach.

The more I practice, listen, and read, the more I see that the world of spiritual practice is both much larger than I'd been aware, and less diverse than I'd been aware. Larger: there are so many ways to practice, so many issues to consider, so many views of the path, so many perils and pitfalls, such depth of possible experience. The book THE POWER AND THE PAIN: Transforming Spiritual Hardship into Joy, by Andrew Holocek, has lately helped me wrap my mind around these. Less diverse: the writings of theistic and non-theistic practitioners are more and more seeming to share common ground. I've lately been reading the writings of Peace Pilgrim; she liberally references God, yet her practice shares so much with Buddhist practice, and passages that had once repelled me now speak to me.

Some of my doubt is habitual self-doubt; other doubt is appropriate caution. This quote from An Application of Buddhist practice of Mindfulness in Contemporary Western Psychotherapy by Audrius Beinorius, which I happened upon accidentally, highlights an area where I must be cautious:

Empirical evidences display that sometimes spiritual practice can be motivated in part by the secret, narcissistic wish to be special, if not superior; a stance of non-attachment can rationalize fears of closeness and the anxieties associated with intimacy: fear of feeling exposed, vulnerable, humiliated, shamed, hurt, rejected, or abandoned.