Beyond reproach

Today I had a mind clearing session. We examined my strategy of trying to live life in a way that is beyond reproach. The clearer asked me, "what are you trying to communicate to others by living in this way?"

I had never asked myself that before. I had looked at the source of the strategy, the early hurts. And I had looked at the benefits I receive from the strategy. But I had never looked at what I am trying to communicate.

I'm going to try to answer this question freshly now in this blog.

I am trying to communicate, "Please don't hurt me. I can't take any more hurt. Please just leave me alone."

And behind that is, Honestly I don't give a fuck about anybody or anything. All this social justice crap, it's just a facade. I have the utmost contempt for people who are benefiting from my so-called social justice work. I'm just trying to avoid criticism from the stupid, ignorant, crazy so-called progressive people I happen to live among. C'mon, give me a break. I really don't care and I really despise all those people! But I just cannot have people criticize me for not taking action. I just can't! I. JUST. CAN'T. And I'll do anything to avoid it. Please people, just leave me alone. You have no idea the pain I suffer when I'm criticized. I just can't stand it and I'm not going to have it anymore. I used to be carefree and naive and innocent. I didn't care about anybody but I also didn't try to hurt anybody either. I was just being myself, I was just living, I was just being, I was just enjoying this life. And then I was SMASHED. Right out of the blue. Holy cow, I'm never going to just innocently go about my business again. The world is fucking horrible, if that can happen. But you know, I know you won't give a fuck about me, because why should you? Your life is so much harder than mine right now and I won't deny that. Nobody ever believed that it hurt so much to be smashed, and if they did believe me, who cares, what good would it do? Here I am, I have two houses, I have excellent health, I have two amazing partners who are younger than me and one of them is rich, and my father is going to leave me a lot of real estate. I live in a safe city in a safe country and I'm treated like a white person. I'm super smart and I can get a job whenever I want and I know how to navigate the system. I'm hella privileged. So nobody is going to give me any sympathy. But even if I weren't privileged nobody would give me sympathy because there's no real sympathy to be had in this world. So please just leave me alone. Nobody believed me back then, nobody helped me, and nobody is going to believe me or help me now. Who has the capacity? This world is so deficient and I can't wait to leave it and finally rest. I'm one of the richest people in the world and I hardly have any capacity to help others myself. Yes, I was smashed. Boom, out of the sky. Taken away from my innocent play and isolated in my room. Nobody believed me when I said, I didn't know! I didn't know! I had no idea! I didn't know I was doing anything wrong! Nobody will believe me, nobody will even listen to me!