Today's chat with the child self

I've been in the attic for about an hour now, with the intention to dialog with the inner child. First, I posted a photo to facebook, read about what might be causing our internet data overage, and re-reading old blog posts. I wanted to find what I'd written before about the dread I feel upon waking. Because this morning I explored it by dialoguing with the inner child, and found that underneath the fear was grief. I read that in one previous exploration, I'd found that underneath the fear was ... something else. Can't remember. It wasn't grief.

For the past hour I've been avoiding doing this dialog. This type of dialog is hard work. But it's not that unpleasant once I get into it. So let's dive in now.

Me: Dear child self, I'm sorry I've been avoiding you this past hour. What is up for you?

Child: Well ... it's taking me a sec to know. [relaxation] [breathing] [craving in right side of mouth] I'm afraid I'm a really boring person, there's not much to say.

Me: That's OK. We have lots of time. We have three hours right now!

Child: [silence, slight swaying of body] [sighing] [tingling in the belly] I'm afraid I'm just going to go to sleep.

Child: I'm so sad about the past. [song: Everybody's Talkin' At Me] I'm seeing our family walking on the grassy field wearing gauzy clothes and holding hands and it's about 1965, and we're happy, but I'm sad!

Me: What if you put yourself back there, on that grassy field with the family?

Child: Well, it's carefree excitement. Innocent: I don't even know that there is anything to worry about. But simultaneously that song is playing and there is sadness. [fullness in the throat] Now I know that there are 1000 things to worry about and I can't un-know that.

Child: Terry, it's just so sad and I don't know what to do about it! I don't know what more to tell you!
I do like feeling into the fullness in the throat. It's kind of pleasant.

Me: Can you let go of the sadness for the time being and just be with that fullness?

Child: Yes. There is mild pleasantness and no sad thoughts.

Me: Could it be that sadness is a resistance to some pleasant sensations in the throat?

Child: Maybe!

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Next day:

I dialogued with the child self upon waking. It was easier to do at that time. Very natural, much less resistance. I essentially got to the same place in the dialog. I then tried to be with the sadness. One additional challenge was that I was cuddled with Z. Fear arises when I am in proximity to another person. Each time Z moved her body, fear arose. Adult Terry was impatient that child Terry was not moving through the sadness, or going behind it, quickly. It was challenging to be patient.