10:10am Want to keep working so I will have the satisfaction of accomplishment and be praised. Sad, sleepy. I'm frustrated! Paying attention to these sensations feels like it's the slow road to nowhere. Still, there's something pleasant and wholesome about it.
10:30 Don't want to interrupt the (actually unpleasant) task I was engaged in. But I think that perhaps simply by interrupting myself every 20 minutes, I might avert an accumulated bad feeling that I generally have by the end of the day. Pulsing, heat, sadness, hearing, hearing, expanding, pleasure, hearing, pressure, sadness, sleepiness.
10:41 Brought somewhat frustrating task to a stopping point. I will not go back here until I get fresh insight. Now is the time to take a really good break, like going to get cash at Salal. I feel sad and sleepy when I think of doing that. Tension in the jaw and in the throat. I'm afraid to do it. It feels like leaving Mom.
11:11 Took another 8 minutes for me to get out of here -- then took quite a long time to make my way to Salal and back. I am afraid. My thought is to work on the code to look at prots not yet in Swiss-Prot, but I am afraid it's going to feel bad to work on it. Heat, pulsing, sleepiness, touch, hearing, hearing, release, pulsing, sadness, sleepiness, hearing ...
11:30 Am feeling good about getting into the ProtEval stuff. Sadness, sleepiness, hearing. I resist staying with my feelings. To begin with, when I had all the time in the world to stay with them at Cloud Mountain one week ago, I did not want to. It was very unpleasant. I'm afraid of being alone.
11:50 I sense that this thrice-hourly break is indeed keeping me from getting into an unpleasant mental state. Yay! Even though, each time I take the break, I resist it. It makes me aware of my sadness. And, I suppose, my fear -- since that is likely what leads to sleepiness. Trying, now, to feel the fear between the sadness and the sleepiness.
12:06 Timer not yet, but felt beginnings of frustration. Trying to add a column to the Individual Spectra section of GetPeptide, and it is not trivial. A sql query returns a bunch of columns, but only some are displayed. Others are displayed conditionally. Column data is stored in a data structure called $pep. Resist delving into this structure.
12:16 Resisted by spending 10 minutes looking at family photos sent by Mom's cousin Jeanne.
12:30 Sadness! I'm never going to get what I really want.
12:40 Made a bit of progress on the $pep issue, but it's still murky. Should come back to it later.
2:03 An hour ago, went to eat lunch. Then talked with S about a project; was frustrated that we'd talked about most of the same things just 2.5 weeks ago, before I left on retreat. Then checked FB and now I'm back. I feel sad that I just spent time on FB instead of working to gain approval and acceptance ... need to leave in a little over an hour for my eye appt., too.
2:10 Figuring out $pep issue. Interesting ... attending to my feelings every 20 minutes no longer brings up messages like "there's not enough time", "this is hopeless", "this is dangerous", "you're not doing this right". Or, the messages are much quieter than they were a few months ago. I mostly just feel the sadness and sleepiness, and a bit of a tug to get back to work.
3:17 Time to go! I do feel better than usual at the end of the day. I can see that I accomplished enough. I feel a bit of a tug to stay and get more done, but it's not so bad.
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