10:31 am Arrived at work 85 minutes ago. Spent first half hour at Meg's good-bye. Then, processed email and browsed ISB external website thinking about whether, and how, to talk to other faculty about possibly working for them. Brought up a lot of fear and sadness. I imagine that if I change to any of the other groups, I will feel lost, ungrounded. Right now I feel sad, scared, and sleepy. Desire is probably there somewhere, but hidden. Perhaps I should try keeping a desire log! What do I desire?
10:50 am I desire to explore, to understand, to create. Perhaps I don't allow myself to notice when I've done these things? Because currently I am working on all three. Yes, this very morning.
Side note: about 15 months ago I noticed that when D coughed, it no longer irritated me, that the startle reaction would just ripple through my body. Over the past 6 months, though, I've watched this non-reactivity slowly disappear, and now I am reactive again.
11:18 Noticed some excitement about my work, then the urge to dampen it. Stayed with the excitement. It is scary. Things will get out of control. Coached self: I might end up feeling humiliated or otherwise bad, but it will pass, and this is the path to growth and happiness.
11:30 Steaming ahead on my task. Tuning into the excitement. Sadness and sleepiness come with it, strongly.
12:30 Continued to steam ahead. But, just this moment, lost myself in email. At first when I became aware of this I felt "bad", but then looked into it and found sad/sleepy.
3:15 Just ate lunch while reading Science. Ate more than I needed, but stopped short of eating the whole thing.
3:30 Rolf came to talk more about his layoff. He wanted to let me know that someone he'd identified as a bad guy isn't really a bad guy. But I'd forgotten that he'd even mentioned that person as a bad guy. I'm sad that he's leaving. He's a good friend and he is the one who first got me in the door here five years ago.
3:50 Belly ache, not sure why. Enjoying work today. I have a list of tasks and they all seem appealing and enjoyable. In rest room, ran into grad student in Hui's lab. Considered talking to her as an entree to finding out more about Huang lab, but didn't. Sadness, sleepiness.
4:20 I am dreading going home. I don't like walking to the bus and waiting for it. I do like driving home :-) Checked -- there are 3 car2go cars near my work! Still, I feel like I don't want to leave. I want to keep working! If I stay longer, the cars will disappear. I'm cooking tonight; should be home by 6.
4:40 Aaagh. All cars are gone. Belly keeps hurting. I keep feeling sad. Let's take a closer look. I feel bad that I've not gotten more done today. What's that about ?! I've gotten plenty done today.
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