My meditation practice now

Below is a status report I just wrote for my meditation mentor, Beth Resnick-Folk.

In December I formulated an intention to make 2013 a year of silence. This is how it's happened so far: I've been taking most weekends in silence, but not any weekdays. I've done silent weekends enough times that it now seems like the new normal. I tell my housemates my intention, then keep my weekend as free of commitments as possible. Often there are 1 or 2 low-key scheduled activities, like shopping at the produce stand or helping an elderly neighbor do some household task (I'm part of a volunteer network that does these things). The rest of the time I mostly spend in my attic. I do a mix of meditation, inner child & trauma recovery work, hatha yoga, and reading, as I feel called to do. My priority is to be gentle with myself.

As for my meditation: sometimes I do concentration practice, and sometimes I do noting practice.  And occasionally I "just sit". Noting has mostly seemed boring lately. I didn't realize how boring it had become until I had a session a couple weeks ago where I had a couple of insights, and that reminded me of how interesting it can be.

My weekday sitting practice is fairly irregular. Some weekdays I do not sit at all. Most weekdays I practice between 15 minutes and an hour. Occasionally more.

Sometimes when I'm walking I'll do Bentinho's "drop your stories for 2-5 seconds" practice ... over and over again. It's remarkable how, when I drop the stories, all suffering ceases, and sensations that had previously seemed unpleasant are perceived as neutral. Pretty handy!

I have 4 weeks of vacation this year, and I had in mind that I'd do a 2 week retreat in the spring, and 2 weeks in the fall. For the spring, I decided to do Tina [Rasumussen] and Stephen [Snyder]'s retreat because I have such positive memories of the first time I did 2 weeks with them. I am trying to go in with no expectations, though. In particular, although it's a jhana retreat, and although I attained jhana the last time I did the retreat, I don't have my sights set on jhana this time. The jhana they teach is much more difficult to attain than what Kenneth [Folk] teaches. The previous time I did their retreat, I pushed myself pretty hard. This time, I intend to take a much more gentle and lenient approach. This retreat starts March 23 -- in 12 days. Lately I've been doing concentration practice almost exclusively in preparation for this retreat.

Occasionally, while doing concentration practice, I've practiced Kenneth's jhanas. I'm fairly confident about the first four, but the second four I'm quite uncertain about.

I have a gentle intention to resume dedicated noting practice on my return from this retreat. I'll see how I feel after retreat.

Busy-ness

My housemate Zarina forwarded to me a couple of articles dealing with the subject of busy-ness. With the fact that many in our culture are so very busy, and that this is an escape from actually being present in our lives.

When people (such as these writers) talk about busy-ness, what are they actually referring to? Having one's life scheduled in advance? Our lives are completely scheduled on meditation retreat, but we don't call that busy-ness. Is it better to have unscheduled time so that one can accept spontaneous invitations? One busy-ness commentator seemed to be suggesting this -- yet why were the spontaneous activities (having drinks with friends, for example) preferable to the activities his busy friends have scheduled (taking classes, political activism, working within one's career)?

It seems that one's life can be completely booked, yet one can still be present for those activities. Conversely, one can have a fairly open schedule, yet not be present for one's life.

I can think of two good friends who I think of as particularly busy. They are on the go from dawn until dusk. I do not know either of them to ever take what I think of as "down time" -- going about things slowly, letting the mind relax. They both seem to always be trying to accomplish goals, even during presumably relaxing social time. One, I think, has a character disorder. The other, I think, really loves accomplishing stuff, really values all the things that she creates -- yet, I do think that she, like the first, is uncomfortable just being with herself.

Lately I have tried to drastically unbusy my life. I have been accepting very few social invitations. I have been spending most of my weekends in a kind of retreat (perhaps going to the produce stand or the library, or eating meals with housemates while they converse and I stay silent, but mostly staying in my attic meditating, doing trauma recovery work, or doing hatha yoga). I want to really give myself a chance to experience myself, as much as possible -- not just one or two hours a day, but many hours a day.

Inner child journal 02/28/13

Again, checking in with my infant child-state every 20 minutes and whenever I feel the urge to distract myself: feeling the sensations in the right torso/throat that I associate with this state, then noticing how I respond.

11:11am Fullness, pulsing, slight sadness, slight sleepiness. No strong messages that it's not safe.

12:09 just ate 3-4 thin mints b/c was hungry and Eric wasn't ready to go to lunch yet. Sensations are similar to previous checkin. Thoughts: "where is this going? I have no idea! This is a complete adventure! I'm a little afraid/anxious ... it's impossible to feel viscerally happy about this because I have absolutely no idea what's coming next ... although there is faith that it's something better than what I've had in the past."

8:02 pm In the middle of working on this project, wanted to distract myself. Feeling are: full breaths with ribcage expanding outward; tightness/quivering in lower right throat; tingling in hands, arms, legs; slight nausea; slight lightheadedness from hyperventilation; slight movement in the jaw; urge to act in the arms (I've been examining and taking notes for 4 minutes now; thought appears "I should be working"); shoulders move back and down repetitively; torso rocking back and forth (thought: "this is going nowhere, this can only go to a bad place, I am going to get stuck") ... face set in a scornful scowl, head tipped slightly down and to the left. Quitting this focused observation at 8:11. Intend to go back to work but staying somewhat aware of these feelings.

Inner child journal

Time to try this again ... starting now at 1pm this February Wednesday.

1:01 scared; I shouldn't be doing this. Sadness in chest. Sensations are full, rounded, pulsing. I think there is excitement and pleasure, too, but as soon as I acknowledge this, I get scared. What if I cry? How can I work and feel these things?

1:10 The same big feelings as I delve into my work, which is complicated and opaque. Urge to distract self. What if I fail at this task? Easier not to look at it.

1:30 Just finished the most daunting aspect of the project. Since previous entry, I found a way to tidily do just the necessary aspect. Then I implemented it, and it worked right away. Now going to visit Eric. He phoned about 15 minutes ago asking if I'd like his company for lunch just then. I said I wasn't ready yet, and he invited me to call when I was ready. Most likely I will now need to expend effort to regain his attention. I feel sad, resentful, resigned. How can I make this into a different story? Can I enjoy offering Eric my patience? There must be something I really like about the current story!

2:25 Back from lunch with Eric. Took no effort to regain his attention. Talked about his project while I ate. Was pleasant, satisfying. Now I feel pleasant/neutral.

2:36 A little sadness, a little fear ... but rounded, full, pleasant. Am feeling relaxed about this project.

2:51 For a half second, resisted coming back to this. Slight sadness/sleepiness ... vaguely want to distract self with food or internet, but not strongly ... still the rounded, full, pulsing sensations. When I think, "let's just stay here & not go back to work," the mind counters, "this is empty, going nowhere". But this message is much weaker than it has been in the past. I feel some curiosity.

3:28 I think I just spent a bunch of time distracting myself. Looked up other works by M. Scott Peck. Read an entertaining email from a co-worker and followed the links provided. Checked my texts and VM. I wonder how long I was doing this? I last saved my computer script at 2:59, so at most a half hour. Bringing attention back to the inner child ... let's try to work and keep the attention there.

3:50 I don't know where this is going ... I don't know if this is worth it ... what is this? is there anything worthwhile here?

4:10 did some twists for a minute. Listened to the child with effortful curiosity. Then Mom called to ask me the names of my brothers and sisters.

4:45 ... then, some FB and chat with cousin Anne. Another 30 minutes evaporated!

4:51 a 2 minute interaction with Luis regarding sandwich cookies. Then ... asking child what she wants. First: "I can't possibly have what I want!" Then ... "Kill my mother!" Then, noticed sleepiness. Then tried to notice the excitement before sleepiness. When I notice the excitement, I think, "Where could this possibly go that isn't a disaster?!"

5:08 time to get ready to leave. I don't feel depleted! I feel content. A little sad/yearning feeling. A little sleepy. But not depleted!!!

Riding waves of emotion

Yesterday I had a wonderful session with my psychotherapist, T. I entered the room with a list of topics I might discuss, but when I sat on the couch, all the topics left my mind and I entered a mind state that's familiar to me from previous sessions, a state that's nonverbal. I said, "I feel like I'm losing control and entering a state where dangerous things could happen." T gently advised me to go with it and, as in surfing, ride whatever unpredictable waves come my way.

Anger came up right away, which has in the past very often led me to a dead end of feeling humiliated with no where to turn. I absolutely hate this experience, but in recent months I've eased up on my strenuous efforts to avoid it. I want to be open to finding new ways to experience anger. This time I did not go to that dead end. I experienced a series of feelings that I normally would have suppressed, or reacted to with humiliation, but this day I just experienced them. Each one brought up thoughts and feelings like, "this is bad, this is dangerous, something bad is going to happen, I can't go here." But go there I did, each time. It was amazing the variety of different feelings that came up over the subsequent 35 minutes. Each wave of feeling caught me off guard with its unfamiliarity, its difference from the previous wave, and triggered the same thoughts about danger. But I rode each wave. It was hard work that felt, at the same time, harrowing and deeply satisfying.

The rest of the day I felt lightness and pleasure.

Today, I found myself a bit more able to feel the difficult feelings that come up in the course of my work.

It is worth noting that yesterday's session came right on the heels of a weekend home retreat during which I meditated a total of about 10 hours and spoke very few words to anyone.

Recent shifts in practice

Over the past several weeks I have been meditating less and less, and doing more inner child work. I put my sessions with Kenneth Folk and Beth Resnick-Folk on hold. My zeal for meditation practice has lessened, and this is discombobulating. Until about the first of November, I'd meditated 1.5 hours daily almost without fail for an entire 12 months. Lately I've been spending more time on Facebook and reading the newspaper, more time than ever since I returned from the 2-month retreat 13.5 months ago. This doesn't seem desirable, but I can't think of how to stop, other than by going on another 2 month retreat and thus hitting the reset button. I'm not sure I want to go on another 2 month retreat--not sure the isolation and occasional periods of intense suffering are right. I've also been spending more time exercising lately. This seems desirable, except for how it displaces time on the cushion.

Feeling shamed by mom

This morning I had an experience I've had dozens, perhaps hundreds, of times in my life: a woman I know expressed some displeasure with something I'd done, and I went into a painful tailspin of shame.

More and more in recent months I've been responding to this in a new way: instead of ruminating over the incident, trying to figure out how to respond, reasoning with myself that it's not a big deal, and distracting myself--I've been inventing and imagining a similar incident in my early childhood involving Mom, then imagining expressing anger toward Mom.

The incident today happened around 8:30, and now, at 10:20, I feel like I've almost completely processed it. Two hours is a long time to be burdened by this, but it's a lot shorter than it used to be. Incidents like this used to bother me for days.

It took me one or two minutes after the incident to realize this familiar cycle was happening. I was on the bus to work. As I walked from the bus to the office, I imagined that I was 3 or 4, innocently having fun with some playmates, when Mom comes on the scene and terrorizes me. I tried to imagine punching her in the face--but this provided no satisfaction at first. I just kept thinking, "But if Mom is so angry with me, I must have done something really bad! It must actually have been bad!" I thought perhaps this strategy somehow wasn't going to work for me today. I left a voice mail for T, my psychotherapist.

Then I sat in a meeting for an hour. Although I would like to have paid attention to the interesting presentation, instead I put most of my attention onto further processing. I clenched my hand into a fist and punched isometrically. Over time, I was able to feel a satisfying rage against my mom, and a growing confidence that I, as the 3 or 4 year old, had done nothing horrendous. I had just done a little something that I would happily have corrected, had I been gently guided to do so. Every couple of minutes, my mind reflected on what had actually occurred today--but I only let my mind rest there briefly each time, only as long as I could rest there without self-punishment. Each time I looked at what occurred today, I was able to have more and more acceptance and forgiveness about what I had actually done, and to see that what I'd done was overwhelmingly moderate, sensible, and considerate--that I'd possibly made just a tiny mistake, something I'd happily correct in the future. I also saw that some of the woman's displeasure had to do with her own issues.