Yesterday I had a wonderful session with my psychotherapist, T. I entered the room with a list of topics I might discuss, but when I sat on the couch, all the topics left my mind and I entered a mind state that's familiar to me from previous sessions, a state that's nonverbal. I said, "I feel like I'm losing control and entering a state where dangerous things could happen." T gently advised me to go with it and, as in surfing, ride whatever unpredictable waves come my way.
Anger came up right away, which has in the past very often led me to a dead end of feeling humiliated with no where to turn. I absolutely hate this experience, but in recent months I've eased up on my strenuous efforts to avoid it. I want to be open to finding new ways to experience anger. This time I did not go to that dead end. I experienced a series of feelings that I normally would have suppressed, or reacted to with humiliation, but this day I just experienced them. Each one brought up thoughts and feelings like, "this is bad, this is dangerous, something bad is going to happen, I can't go here." But go there I did, each time. It was amazing the variety of different feelings that came up over the subsequent 35 minutes. Each wave of feeling caught me off guard with its unfamiliarity, its difference from the previous wave, and triggered the same thoughts about danger. But I rode each wave. It was hard work that felt, at the same time, harrowing and deeply satisfying.
The rest of the day I felt lightness and pleasure.
Today, I found myself a bit more able to feel the difficult feelings that come up in the course of my work.
It is worth noting that yesterday's session came right on the heels of a weekend home retreat during which I meditated a total of about 10 hours and spoke very few words to anyone.
No comments:
Post a Comment