Inner child journal

Time to try this again ... starting now at 1pm this February Wednesday.

1:01 scared; I shouldn't be doing this. Sadness in chest. Sensations are full, rounded, pulsing. I think there is excitement and pleasure, too, but as soon as I acknowledge this, I get scared. What if I cry? How can I work and feel these things?

1:10 The same big feelings as I delve into my work, which is complicated and opaque. Urge to distract self. What if I fail at this task? Easier not to look at it.

1:30 Just finished the most daunting aspect of the project. Since previous entry, I found a way to tidily do just the necessary aspect. Then I implemented it, and it worked right away. Now going to visit Eric. He phoned about 15 minutes ago asking if I'd like his company for lunch just then. I said I wasn't ready yet, and he invited me to call when I was ready. Most likely I will now need to expend effort to regain his attention. I feel sad, resentful, resigned. How can I make this into a different story? Can I enjoy offering Eric my patience? There must be something I really like about the current story!

2:25 Back from lunch with Eric. Took no effort to regain his attention. Talked about his project while I ate. Was pleasant, satisfying. Now I feel pleasant/neutral.

2:36 A little sadness, a little fear ... but rounded, full, pleasant. Am feeling relaxed about this project.

2:51 For a half second, resisted coming back to this. Slight sadness/sleepiness ... vaguely want to distract self with food or internet, but not strongly ... still the rounded, full, pulsing sensations. When I think, "let's just stay here & not go back to work," the mind counters, "this is empty, going nowhere". But this message is much weaker than it has been in the past. I feel some curiosity.

3:28 I think I just spent a bunch of time distracting myself. Looked up other works by M. Scott Peck. Read an entertaining email from a co-worker and followed the links provided. Checked my texts and VM. I wonder how long I was doing this? I last saved my computer script at 2:59, so at most a half hour. Bringing attention back to the inner child ... let's try to work and keep the attention there.

3:50 I don't know where this is going ... I don't know if this is worth it ... what is this? is there anything worthwhile here?

4:10 did some twists for a minute. Listened to the child with effortful curiosity. Then Mom called to ask me the names of my brothers and sisters.

4:45 ... then, some FB and chat with cousin Anne. Another 30 minutes evaporated!

4:51 a 2 minute interaction with Luis regarding sandwich cookies. Then ... asking child what she wants. First: "I can't possibly have what I want!" Then ... "Kill my mother!" Then, noticed sleepiness. Then tried to notice the excitement before sleepiness. When I notice the excitement, I think, "Where could this possibly go that isn't a disaster?!"

5:08 time to get ready to leave. I don't feel depleted! I feel content. A little sad/yearning feeling. A little sleepy. But not depleted!!!