Artie says that my inner parent (seems to be similar to superego) is continuing to mimic what it heard from my actual parents, even though it may have misheard, and even though the actual parents were misguided.
His teaching here is very similar to the affirmations of Louse Haye. I've loved affirmations in the past but have been avoiding them since beginning the Liberation Unleashed / 10 Fetters method of inquiry. When I began with LU, I was instructed to drop all other techniques. Later, after I "passed the gate", Christiane said, "why take on techniques that are based in thought? why not just go for seeing through the illusions that make you believe thoughts?" My current guide, Lynne, also seems in general to be against possibly conflicting techniques. I'll let Lynne know I'm playing with scripts/affirmations.
Current inner script (mostly copied from several earlier blog posts) with rewrites in italics:
You're doing the wrong thing
You don't know what you're doing
My choices are wrong
I am a bad person, such that whatever I do will bring suffering upon me
If I do something enjoyable and mindless, I'm wasting my time
There certainly is something I ought to be doing; I need to punish myself for not doing it right now.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
Progress on the present task is a pipe dream. What I'm doing right now is a big waste of time!
If I made the right choices, I wouldn't suffer, and I doubt the choices I'm making in this moment are the right ones.
What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom
If I experience a moment of joy, I must immediately assure my safety by redirecting my attention to my list of concerns
It is safe to rest after experiencing joy
If I do not regularly (multiple times per day) acquire something (a material good, tasty food, a new facet of my self image, knowledge, some pleasure, a significant chunk of money, the completion of a task ... the publication of a new blog post ...), I am wasting my life.
I am safe without acquiring more. I can rest.
There is only so much I can do to alleviate my own suffering. Once I've alleviated it a little, stop trying, because you'll just fail.
Without suffering, I don't know who I am, and that brings up fear.
If I don't know what to do, I should punish myself
"Don't know what to do" is a rich place to be
"Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be
Any technique I use to alleviate suffering today will not work next time.
All the little things I do to make my life run more smoothly -- keeping my calendar, doit.im -- are a waste of time and I should punish myself for doing them
If there's a setback while I'm trying to get something done, it's my fault and I should punish myself while taking the extra time necessary
Ah, a setback! Hello, setback!
Ideally, I would treat myself like a machine and, on schedule, do all the tasks necessary to maintain my body, my finances, my relationships, my home, and my spiritual life, regardless of whether I feel like it. When I notice that I'm not living my life this way, I should punish myself.
My fantasy about strict schedules arose from a deep self-love and longing to be safe. I now release that fantasy.
If I don't let Zarina squeeze me when I don't want her to, it'll be a big disaster
Zarina loves me unconditionally
Underneath the busyness of life, including this practice of constant acquisition, I am completely, utterly alone with a desolation that is unspeakably unpleasant.
Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.
This particular sensation (often some bodily tension) means that I am doing something wrong or that danger is on the horizon.
This sensation is part of being alive! No need to investigate. There is no problem.
Awakening is far away. It certainly isn't happening right now. It requires a lot more strenuous effort and suffering than what I've already experienced.
Awakening is simple, and nearer than near.
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As Artie suggests, I'll copy these onto a piece of paper that I'll keep in my pocket.
Already, I've employed a few lines of the alternative script intensively. First, What I am choosing and doing is guided by self love and inner wisdom is called for almost constantly! When I let that message sink in, sensations arise that are interpreted as uncomfortable. Then it's time for This sensation is part of being alive! It has no meaning, and there is no problem. After the self-criticism is set aside, and the idea that sensation indicates a problem, I'm left with disorientation, and it's time for "Don't know who I am" is a rich place to be, and Aloneness points to unspeakable richness, and I am safe there.
As I go through this series, thoughts from the programmed script arise repeatedly in a frantic, quasi-cyclic manner, and there is no time to counter each one with the alternative. No wonder: the programmed script is a deeply ingrained habit, the alternative script is a powerful pushback that takes me to a very unfamiliar place.
For the new script to be useful, I think I'll need to review the lines during idle times of day, so that the ideas and the feelings of them become very familiar to me and will be called up quickly when needed, especially given the frantic cycling.
The scripting I'm looking at here is on a deep level, perhaps deeper than Artie's typical audience.
Some additional lines for the alternative script that are appearing useful as I do this work:
Utmost courage (from Sandra Maitri)
Panic is an illusion. I am safe.
The unknown appears so vast, I will never have time to explore it and find my bearings again. Better to stay in the finite space of habit.
There is safety in this vastness, far more than in habit.
I must plan to avoid suffering in the future
The future will take care of itself.
I must bear this discomfort without breathing. Breathing is cheating.
I must bear this discomfort without breathing. Breathing is cheating.
You have a right to breathe!
After a few minutes more of working with alternative scripts, I am finding that they can be greatly abbreviated:
Safe
Richness
Faith
Courage
Wisdom
Aliveness
No problem
Breathe
Unconditional love
Illusion
Safety in vastness
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