Wounds, shielding, and soothing

Working through the 7-day program at Preside Meditation. The purpose is to heal from inner wounding.

What is your current "blend" of the four types of emotional wounding?

Competence: I don't judge myself as incompetent in any particular arena, but my inner voice constantly says that, whatever I'm doing, I'm doing the wrong thing; that I haven't achieved anything of worth in my life (to the point of denial and amnesia about what I've achieved); and that if there's anything amiss, it's due to my incompetence. Hugely debilitating.

Body: There are judgments about my slight chubbiness and flabbiness. There is fear that the ways in which my body have aged have made me repulsive to those younger than I. My intermittent breath odor is a cause of anxiety. My hair tends to look unkempt and I fear being judged for that. These concerns are of minor impact; they're not at all debilitating.

Identity/Personality: I'm not aware of any judgments about my ethnic, gender, or sexual identities. I judge my personality as being too fake, too closed, dishonest, introverted, and indecisive. Moderately debilitating.

Relationship: "I will only be lovable if ..."  Hmmm, I feel pretty lovable. But there is a deep belief that I need to perform in order to maintain my love relationships. Mostly in the realm of physical affection. Somewhat debilitating.

What are your main soothing methods?

Of those listed as most common (drugs/alcohol, sex & relationships, food, overwork, media), I use these:

- minor use of caffeine and alcohol

- well controlled use of food

- moderate use of media

I also soothe myself by tidying and organizing, including gathering data and creating to-do lists. If I tidy and organize while I'm with others, I can drop some of the shields below.

I am very pleased with my configuration of soothing methods; they do not cause harm to myself or others. And tidying/organizing have lots of benefits.

What are your main shielding methods?

Of the five listed as most common, I use them all, especially perfectionism and people pleasing:

Money & prestige: I'm not strongly driven to increase these, but, to the extent I possess them, I do use them as shields

Perfectionism: Very much so

Anger: I use this in subtle ways, especially with my partners

Silence & invisibility (actually a camouflage; does not actually shield): Yes, I'm quiet about my opinions and isolate myself from others

People pleasing (actually a form of appeasement; does not actually shield): Yes, very much so.

Am I satisfied with my configuration of shielding methods? I would really like to do less people pleasing and have less perfectionism. Perhaps if I do more soothing I'll feel safe enough to cut down on the shielding. 

Do you see any quick-hit adjustments you'd like to try right away?

I suppose that a more healthy way to shield is to state boundaries. Are there boundaries I can state that will allow me to do less perfectionism and people-pleasing? I can't think of any at the moment.

Looking forward to tomorrow's exercises.