I have a hankering to take up concentration practice again as a primary practice. For the purpose of this post, concentration practice is synonymous with samatha practice and the word concentration is synonymous with samadhi. The fundamental form of concentration practice, as I've been taught, is anapanasati (breath) meditation, specifically with the breath at the nostrils as object.
I first learned concentration practice at a weekend retreat with Tina Rasmussen and Stephen Snyder in August 2009. During that retreat I thought I'd attained access concentration (where attention is on the object--the breath at the nostrils--almost effortlessly). This was very encouraging. After that, I signed up for their 2-week year-end retreat. In the weeks before the retreat I practiced 1-2 hours every morning so that I'd hit the ground running on the retreat. The retreat was challenging but mostly exciting and enjoyable, and Tina said I'd attained the first jhana (a very deep state of absorption) around the 9th day of the retreat.
I was excited to develop my skill in this area, so I signed up to sit with Tina and Stephen's teacher Pa Auk Sayadaw at the Forest Refuge September-October 2011. Meanwhile, my daily practice was mindfulness meditation. I didn't see any advantage in having concentration practice as my daily practice in the mean time. When I arose from mindfulness practice I tended to feel equanimous, whereas when I arose from concentration practice I tended to be irritable. More importantly, it seemed that concentration practice was only useful in the context of building concentration for jhana, and this could happen only in retreat-like settings. I did do concentration practice during a 4-day weekend in April 2011, and I also did it as my daily practice in the weeks leading up to the Forest Refuge retreat.
The Forest Refuge retreat was very challenging. I thought I'd attained jhana on the 4th day, but my teacher said I had not. During the first few days of the retreat I developed an aversion to concentration practice. There was constriction in my right throat (and also sometimes in my right belly, chest, and/or head) that was associated with an unpleasant emotion. I now see that emotion as an aversion to being forced or forcing myself. When this constriction was present I was averse to concentration practice (and, indeed, averse to doing anything other than distracting myself). The remainder of the retreat was a dance with this aversion. The final two weeks I stopped doing concentration practice entirely and went back to mindfulness practices. The retreat was very fruitful (see other blog posts for details) but left me with strong aversion to concentration practice.
Coming home, I went back to mindfulness meditation, eventually using noting as my main practice under Beth Resnick-Folk's guidance, and, according to her, attained stream entry in July 2012.
I went back to concentration practice for a weekend retreat with Tina and Stephen in, I think, late 2012, and then for a 2-week retreat with them in spring 2013. During the 2-week retreat I again developed aversion to the practice.
I had noticed that when I'd been away from the practice long enough, the aversive reaction subsided and I could do the practice for a few sittings or even a few days with great pleasure. It's a practice that cultivates joy, and that is pleasant!
After the 2-week with Tina and Stephen, I stopped doing retreats for a long while. Then I did a short retreat in January 2016. I chose concentration practice for the pleasure of it. Immediately after that I did the Liberation Unleashed program (which I highly recommend for anyone interested in seeing through the illusion of self) and focused on inquiry into the nature of my direct experience for the subsequent 12 months. That brings me to today.
I quit my job at the Institute for Systems Biology six weeks ago. I had planned to vigorously embark upon a new career in free-lance dementia care, but a couple days after leaving ISB I realized that there was no need to rush into being busy with the new career. I decided that 2017 would be a year of relaxed exploration.
During 2016, my interest in long periods of meditation practice greatly diminished as I became interested in the concept of sudden awakening. Then, three weeks ago, Z invited me to join her for a 2-day meditation retreat at her parents' beautiful lakeside home while they were out of town. I began the retreat with six-elements practice. A friend had sent me an article about this practice, and I was curious. I did a few sessions of this practice, then felt like giving it a rest. I transitioned to concentration practice for the pleasure of it.
And then, just a few days ago, the thought arose, "I'd like to immerse myself in concentration practice once again to see where it takes me, now that I am 5+ years more mature than I was at the Forest Refuge. I have the space in my life to do this, and this space is an incredible treasure. I can immerse myself in home practice, enjoying the comforts of home and avoiding the expense and discomfort of retreat centers."
I re-read my journal from the Forest Refuge. This was the first time I'd re-read it carefully since 2011. I was curious just what the difficulties had been for me. I know some things now that I didn't know then:
First, I know more about the constrictions in the right throat, belly, chest, and head. I know that I can create ease for myself by offering myself compassion. I better understand the importance of such self-compassion, and I have more tools for expressing that compassion, specifically dialoging with the inner child. I have been supported in these practices by Beth Resnick-Folk and by Tina and Stephen, so I have a lot more confidence now than I did in 2011 that these practices are wholesome and supportive, not just a weak distraction from real practice.
Second, I know that concentration practice is wholesome in and of itself, even if it does not lead to jhana. Tina and Stephen had said this, but I didn't really believe it until U Jagara said it to me during an interview at the Forest Refuge retreat. Each hour spent in this practice leads to a better understanding of what concentration is, and a more intimate relationship with the meditation object (the breath). I am more able to immerse myself in the practice without goal-orientation. I see a bit more clearly that to long for and look forward to jhana is a form of craving just as hindering as craving for mundane sense pleasures.
Third, I have a less confining idea of what intensive practice looks like. I learned that, at the Forest Refuge retreat, Joon read the New York Times every morning, and Shaila worked on her book every evening. Whoa! I had thought, from Tina and Stephen's training, that it was of the utmost importance to keep such activities to an absolute minimum in order for jhana to arise, and thus had really pressured myself at the Forest Refuge.
The other day I did a bunch of concentration practice. Then I noticed the aversion I'd noticed at the Forest Refuge, an aversion connected to a constriction in the right throat. I honored the constriction, dialoged with the inner child, and did some garden work. Then I found myself eager to return to the concentration practice. Another time I did a meditation session where I alternated between attending to the breath at the nostrils and reassuring the inner child. Very unorthodox, but it feels right to me.
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