Some of the contents of my mind this morning

I don't feel inspired to write, but yesterday Sandy told me how much she and Gerry enjoy my posts. And I've been wanting to get back into blogging again, now that I have more time. So let's just get over the hump and write something here.

It's 9:44 a.m.; I feel bad about myself right now. Writing here highlights that; the resistance to writing likely was related to avoiding the self-judgment. The bad feeling is associated with one of my psychology's signature thoughts: "I am doing the wrong thing right now." I am sitting in my bathrobe, it is late morning, and I haven't gotten started on any of the things I really should be doing. Like what? For this mind, there's always something. Today it's contacting Water Protectors who have been arrested. Or, if not that, finding ways to get involved in the dementia care community. (I'd like to volunteer, but not in any ongoing, committed way, and I'm unsure how to find that.)

I'm feeling sad that, this afternoon, Zarina will be leaving to spend two weeks at her parents' house in Kirkland, and tomorrow, Eric will be leaving to spend four days at Fort Ebey producing a very large trail run. When they're both here, I feel crowded, claustrophobic, and irritable. But I imagine that when they're both gone, I'll feel lethargic and bad about myself a lot. Perhaps I should schedule those four days as a personal retreat where I do inquiry, dialog, and meditation on the bad feeling.

Today I was browsing through writings I've kept over the years (accompanied by the refrain, "I am doing the wrong thing right now") and I found a missive I'd written in summer of 2008 after a session with Dr. I, my previous psychotherapist. I was winding down my time with him (I moved to Seattle that August):

Yesterday I asked Dr. I how to think about my psychology. To the best of my recollection (which is always biased and always inaccurate), he said, “Think about how [or why?] you find it so important to believe that I am about to leave you, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary.” 

At the time, I came up with the following (highlighted):

What benefits do I receive from believing that Dr. I despises me and wishes to leave me?

• I was right all along. Therefore, superior. I like to be superior because it means I don’t need people and I am a distance from people.
• I don’t have to look at my desire to leave him. This is very uncomfortable for several reasons:
  • I think endings are always tragic
  • I think he wants to retain control over me and manipulate me, and will punish me for leaving
  • I think that any action I choose for myself, including leaving him, will lead to disaster
  • My desire to leave him comes partly from my disturbing image of him as a bloodsucker (this image came to mind when I thought about paying him)

What benefits do I receive from believing that it would be a disaster for Dr. I to leave me?

• I don’t have to think about more important, and more difficult, things, because I can be obsessed with this one thing.

Dr. I also said yesterday that I can accept that I wish others ill (e.g. want to consume them or destroy them) instead of projecting that on others and thinking that they wish me ill. 

Right now, the thought is arising, "I should be able to go further with this. Now that I have some distance, and more maturity, I should be able to digest the above, keep it in mind, and use it to gain more insight," But I'm feeling resistance to actually attempting this. And there are beliefs underneath that thought that are likely unfounded: that Dr. I's advice is really juicy, valuable wisdom that is key to my happiness if only I'd be a good girl and follow the advice.