When Z speaks strongly with a blaming message (whether blaming me or someone else), I react. First there is a tensing in the torso and a constriction of breathing. Thoughts arise: "I notice I am having an aversive reaction, but I would like to respond kindly and compassionately. I want to run away, but I'd like to stay present." After a minute or two, judgmental thoughts arise: "She's so hypocritical and uncompassionate!" And then after another minute or two, I attack her verbally. The strength and speed of the attack vary depending on whom she's blaming and the intensity of her expression. If she is blaming me or E, I react more strongly and quickly. If she is blaming a public figure, I am slower and less violent.
Even when her blaming message has a lot of truth to it, there is a strong impulse to align myself against her. Lately I have been looking at this more closely, thinking, "Much of what Z says, I agree with, and I myself have had a blaming attitude about this very thing. Z would feel supported if I expressed my alignment with her." I then consider expressing my alignment, but feel a very strong resistance. It feels as though by aligning myself with Z, I would be making myself very vulnerable, intolerably vulnerable. I can force myself to do it, but there is great internal conflict. The words come out haltingly.
Today, I rode home in the car with my friend E, whom I find challenging to be with. I noticed the reactions as they arose. E was impatient and complained about some issues that had delayed her from picking us up at the curb. An aversive reaction arose, then the thought, "E is so self-centered and blaming; I hate that about her." She leaned on the horn at a hesitant driver. An aversive reaction arose, then the thought, "This is why I don't like to ride with E; this is why I took the bus this morning." Another passenger in the car talked about getting lunch at Met Market. An aversive reaction arose, then the thought, "I don't like people who like Met Market; it's overlit, overpriced, and overly bourgeois." I realized more deeply than before that most of my opinions are formed in order to distinguish myself from others. I wondered: do I find E challenging precisely because she exhibits many aspects of myself that I dislike? I had always thought I found her challenging because we were very different, but maybe the opposite is true.
I do sometimes align myself with others, though. I am very aligned with Z on the importance of meditation and spiritual practice. Although I leap to distinguish myself from her in many areas, in this area I do not recall ever trying to distinguish myself from her. We have been aligned for five years. So on what topics, or under what circumstances, do I feel compelled to distinguish myself?
The last couple of days, reflecting in these ways, I'm realizing that my personality is really as distasteful and challenging as anybody else's, but that I am constantly telling myself stories to cover that up. Stories about how rational I am, how insightful, how open-minded, how patient, how well I am able to see the other side of every situation. What I try not to see is that I am very defensive and that I use my power to get my way, noticeable most recently in my relationship with Z.
What helps me see and accept these things is seeing more and more that my personality is pretty much out of my control. In the car today, noticing the aversive reactions, it was obvious that the reactions weren't something I was doing. They were just arising. As were the subsequent opinions. Makes me really want to question my opinions.
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