Slowly, gradually, I've more and more been tuning into the channel of the inner child. I'm not sure that's the best term for it. I'm talking about the inner voice that narrates the deeper experience, as opposed to the louder voice that talks about what is desired in the moment, that constructs stories about what is happening right now, that strives for self-improvement and constantly evaluates self and others, that plans and ruminates.
I'm here in Millbrae at Dad's house with a free evening. I found myself mindlessly browsing Facebook and not wanting to do any of my to-dos. So here I am. I'm sitting with an improvised hugging pillow and I now intend to transcribe the inner child channel to the best of my ability.
---------------
oh how embarrassing what I just wrote ... I like the inner sensations but there is longing ... but pleasant tingling in the throat and chest and limbs ... tension in the shoulder ... longing longing ... this is never going to work what a waste of time .. what do I mean when the words waste of time arise? Lonely, alone, void ... the enneagram books say this is where the gold is ... in the voidness dark, is treasure ... I've been here on the brink of the void so many times, ow to find the courage to enter?
glad I stopped the avoidance and came here ... to meet myself. what a treasure what an opportunity to be able to meet myself ... to have the time and safety, the leisure ... the support from my partners and therapist and books! hellow me. I know with certainty, I am the only one who can love me, to be present with me. it's all that matters.
the void ... gently playing with the edges of it .. i've heard there is spaciousness in there ...
I've been bad, just did stuff on my phone ... I'll never get anywhere unless I'm more diligent! no wait ... that's the story that always comes up ... it's not true! it's just a thought! ... it is in a way safe and cozy feeling here with just me and the body sensations ... safe ... and here is the void ...
the lyrics "Stay with me ... let loving start " roll through my head, my body. they are among the most heart wrenching lyrics I've ever heard ... Eric used to listen to that song while we worked together in our early years and it tore my heart apart ... I usually tense up against the feelings of melancholy ... relaxing into it I see that "stay with me" is what I longed for from my mother as I knew her as an infant .. the loving mother ... it's the thing I long for most, reunion with that unconditional love ... that I know now I can give myself. Here I am, me!
let's listen to the messenger who says, "this is the wrong thing to be doing, if only you'd do the right thing, you'd be happy." What tales does she have to tell?
<long break>
whatever sensations arise, most of them aren't the right ones. They're sensations that signify I haven't arrived, that I have more work to do. Why, I ask? How do I know that this is what they signify? ... it's because I am bad, therefore any sensations I experience are bad ... it's that if I'm bad or if I'm doing the wrong thing, I have company (mom?) ... if I'm good or doing the right thing, I'm alone, my people are not with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment