Anger

Psychotherapy session one week ago. Reported feeling of irritation stirred up by seeing someone throw trash in the recycling. Paying close attention to associated thoughts & images, discovered I had an intense urge to reach my hand into her body and rip her guts out. Ultimate wish: that she would reassemble herself, come to me, and say, "Oh! now I see how very badly you need attention. What can I do?" I experienced my anger as thoughts and images; T encouraged me to feel it in my body. I struggled a lot with anger at him for trying to help me, resistance against accepting his help, and despair that I could ever progress in the face of this anger and resistance. Also, feelings of humiliation regarding the imagery about the woman (I initially saw an urge to grab her vulva, and desperately wanted not to report this image to T). Finally I was able to pay attention to my body and open my body to the anger. Gradually over the course of 10 or 20 minutes, my whole body felt energized. I had thought that the feelings of powerlessness and humiliation I had experienced initially would also grow to fill my whole body, but no. I felt powerful and proud instead. The feeling was unfamiliar and somewhat uncomfortable, but I rejoiced to feel it.

Throughout the week I practiced letting my whole body wake up when I felt angry. Easier to do when well rested. Easier to maintain than to initiate. Often I would bring to mind a memory of something someone said that enrages me. Initially I feel tingling, awakening in my right ear. Then, in the spot in my right belly I call Julia's Fire, and in my right throat, and vaguely all up and down my right torso. Then throughout, but still most strongly and strangely in the ride side. When I really dwell on the enraging memory and really bring all that rage into the body, my breathing becomes deep and strong, almost to the point of hyperventilation. I become assertive in my speech and actions.