I'm visiting my Dad in Millbrae, staying with him in the house I grew up in. I've done this 1 to 6 times per year since I struck out on my own as an adult. Until a few years ago, Mom was here, too.
During my 20s, 30s, and even 40s, staying here was significantly uncomfortable. Those discomforts mellowed out, and now I feel quite comfortable here. One of the biggest discomforts used to be the constant sound of the television in the common area of the house. I could hear it in my bedroom, and although it wasn't loud there, just the idea of it enraged me, triggered a sense of powerlessness. Now that I feel more in control of my own life, the idea of Dad watching lots of TV doesn't bother me much, and I've found that I can mute the sound of it by opening the bedroom door leading to the patio and running the fountain there.
Dad has always watched TV shows and movies that include sex and violence. This used to sicken and enrage me. I never wanted to be watching TV along with him when such scenes appeared, especially sex scenes. I don't like sharing anything sexual with him. I still avoid being in the room when he watches these shows.
Just now, I was sitting at the kitchen table eating the dinner I'd prepared for myself, and Dad was watching one of these shows. I knew I could move to the patio or even eat in my bedroom, but I didn't want to move. I was reading the newspaper but was aware of what was going on in the show. I could see that a rape scene was about to happen -- a teenage girl had been kidnapped by a middle aged man, and he had said to her, "let's get you cleaned up." Then, the rape scene happened. Then, another one. Then, another one.
I thought to myself, "am I re-enacting my own abuse by staying in this room and not saying anything? Am I re-enacting the situations in my childhood where I felt absolutely unable to say 'no'? Is it peculiar that I am staying in the room? Is it peculiar that I cannot even think of asking Dad to not watch such shows while I am in the room?" To ask him not to watch such shows while I'm in the room would require me to engage him on the topic of sex and violence, and I don't want to. My sense is that it would feel icky to me, the way watching these shows with him feels icky, and that he wouldn't be sympathetic. Or, if he were sympathetic, he'd ask me to let him know when a show was too sexual or violent, and then I'd need to engage with him repeatedly.
It's his house.
But I'm not wanting to control what he does in his house, exactly. I'm wishing for my own father to have some sensitivity on the subject of violence and rape. I want him to know that by displaying these scenes to me he is, in a sense, violating me.
I never thought this before, but right now the word "compartmentalization" comes up when I think about my relationship with my dad. I appreciate him for his affection for me, his goodwill toward me, the hard work he did to support our family growing up, and the practical lessons he taught me. And I just try not to think about his extreme lack of sensitivity regarding sex and violence.
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