Did first 3 days of a 7 day Insight Dialogue retreat with Gregory Kramer and Mary Burns on Samish Island last weekend. Suffered as usual with vague mental/physical malaise felt in the right throat/chest. Asked of the universe that I be completely liberated, whatever it takes, even if it involves great pain, suffering, or loss. That I prefer it not be difficult, but am willing for it to be difficult. Before and after retreat I read two of Jan Frazier's books. Frazier had a spontaneous, complete, permanent awakening at age 50. She evocatively conveys what it is like to awaken and to be awake, more eloquently and at greater length than any other writer I've read. This inspired me, stirred in me the knowledge that it can happen in this very life.
Apparently, my wish communicated itself to some part of my psyche, because a couple of hours ago, in the middle of sleep, I had flashes of clear seeing of the ridiculousness of my ego in operation. First, a sudden, unbeckoned dream-like imagining of someone saying something like, "Your work is complete crap." I felt the shame and contraction I usually feel, but with a tiny bit more spaciousness, and an immediate recognition of how crazy it is to allow a statement like that to affect me so. Soon afterward, a similar imagining of receiving a work email that began, "This is the worst paper I've ever read." Similar response. Thereafter, more imaginings, this time seeming to arise more of my conscious volition, of things that usually upset me, and active inquiry into their nature. What does my reaction feel like? What is it like to see it as not-self? What is the yearning, fear, or sense of incompleteness that arises when I see it as not-self? These are evidence of clinging to identification with self.
In one of her books, Jan Frazier asks the reader to inquire whether she truly desires liberation, or mostly wants her mundane life to be more comfortable. I did such inquiry yesterday. When I began practicing Buddhist meditation in the Vipassana tradition 15 years ago, my purpose was clear: to suffer less. I experienced much more suffering at that time. I also had little understanding of what liberation really was. I craved peak experiences. All of this has shifted over time. However, I saw yesterday that I still strive mightily for things in the mundane realm: comfort, and some other things less easily named.
Yesterday, I saw as the highlights of my experience those moments when my ego was challenged. This is exactly in response to Frazier's writings. I welcomed those moments, knowing that those are the times when I can learn and let go. I welcomed feeling agitated when Gustavo asked me about my work. I welcomed feeling frustrated when I found I was going to be late for a lecture. The day before, I welcomed feeling defensive when a co-worker mentioned that my phone rings a lot when I am absent from my desk.
Two weeks ago, on May 17, I saw that my neighbor's house had been put up for sale. I moved quickly to buy it. Part of this is ego-driven, following a desire to expand my domain, to be a property owner, to be a creator of community. It has made me busier and will continue to make me busier for a while. I think it was a wise decision, though.
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