Practice notes

10:53 a.m.
Had invited Jacob, Rich, Laura, and Rita to join me in sitting. Decided to do walking meditation until someone showed up. I was feeling the heavy malaise I sometimes (often?) feel during retreat or long periods of practice. The tension in the right throat and chest, accompanied by a mental state that seems to say, "Life without stimulation is dreary and a waste of time. It is really bad to be in this state." I experience strong aversion to this state and this is a big reason I dislike being on retreat.

I felt a determination to investigate this today. But how? I walked slowly back and forth, doing a kind of whispered inquiry: "Who is it whose chest is tight? Who dislikes this feeling? Who is it that thinks this is bad? Who wants to escape? Who thinks she has to do this practice in order to awaken?" After 10 or 15 minutes that particular malaise evaporated leaving me with a more subtle dis-ease. "Who identifies with those sensations? Who is afraid of disappearing? Who wants the sensations to come back?"

Nobody had shown up to sit with me. Decided to do some yoga before sitting. Did poses and stretches that called to me. Didn't note.

Noon
Sat on my cushion and set timer for one hour. Whispered noting for 20 minutes, then, because I was feeling drowsy and dull, did 20 minutes of walking meditation with whispered noting. Then, 20 minutes more of whispered noting. Noted through transitions from sitting to walking and back again. Details below:

During the first part of sitting, I continued to crave stimulation, to be doing something else, anything else. I did general noting at first, then noted my level of craving on a scale of 1-5 ("Craving 1, Craving 2, Craving 3, Craving 3, Craving 0 ... "). I observed that the craving was not always continuous. Then, because I was also experiencing aversion, alternated noting craving and aversion.

After transitioning to walking, I noted the actual sensations and actions of walking. I walked very slowly and noted about 20 or 25 times per step: lifting, lifting, lifting, shifting, shifting, bending, lowering, placing, placing .... I remembered how U Pandita (I think) used to ask his students to break things down very finely, to keep noticing new things about each activity. I still experienced a lot of craving but chose not to note it, usually, and to instead focus on the sensations and actions of walking. Towards the end I got down to the details of which muscles were being activated: "Hamstrings. Hamstrings. Hip flexors. Quads. Quads. ... "

After one very slow round trip through the hallway, sat down again and did general noting. Hearing, hearing, pulsing, expanding, craving, hearing, hearing, pressure, hearing, sensation, releasing, craving. Whereas a couple of years ago I regularly noted sadness, sleepiness, and anger, these are not a common part of my experience while sitting anymore. Mostly physical sensations and craving; occasionally aversion. I tried to relax and note at a relaxed pace as Beth suggests. After some time the craving subsided and I began to feel more ease and even subtle joy, although I didn't ever note ease or joy. When the bell rang I felt briefly angry that my session was over, and amused that I could crave for it to be over and also be angry when it ended.

Might have noticed one or two shifts during the sitting that may have been the different nanas, but wasn't obvious what the nanas were and I didn't try to think about it.